Friday, April 16, 2010

The summer is coming and i hear C is coming back...and i know i shouldn't even be thinking about him or wondering about him or even thinking about the fact that he is coming back, but i do. I am finding it so hard to just let go. Nothing was left in good order and it bothers me more than i want to admit to anyone.

J's birthday is coming up soon, i'm excited beyond belief. Being her mother has been more fulfilling to me than anything i have ever done in life. The rewards i have silently received every time she says, " I love you", or " Mommy, you're the best", mean more to me than anything else ever could. My baby is not so much a baby anymore. It's an interesting point in time. All i know is that this is the time to pull it altogether and that is what i am going to do. For her.

B and I...have our ups and downs. Every single weekend it has been the same thing though and it's hurt. Drink up, get drunk...and then it's an attack on me. At first it was funny, we all laughed at it and just ignored it. I would hang out with our friends and just avoid him. Then the words cut through and pierced my heart and i spent half the weekend in tears for that next month. People asking me why i stayed? That i didn't deserve what i was getting. But during the week we were perfect, how could i give up that just because of the weekends?

Lately it's gotten to the point where i snap. I yell back, i slap him, my girlfriends get involved, his friends get involved telling him to leave me alone...and then we got to the point where i said, slow down on everything or i'm gone. Every since then we've been really great but we haven't been doing much partying and he's been out of town.This coming weekend is the test and i am terrified that he will fail. Where will i be then?