So much of this blog has been sadness, despair...a state of discontent. At times there was uplifting moments, people, things that brought about this incredible change in me and my state of being. But always they ended up bringing me right back to where i had left off. I realize now in my 25th year...that the only way to make me happy and keep me happy is to be the one to do so. To not have to depend on some kind of outer stimulus from a mate but to look deep within my soul and to bring out that strength within myself. CLARITY. So amazing. 


So with that being said...i feel as though i am a new person altogether. This blog has been the heart and soul of me for a long time but that person needs to be put into a place of memories and not continued on. I am a changed being. I am a happy and light person. I am aware of my darkness and the balance that there is within me but i do not need to let myself become unbalanced and sink into that deepness. I am light. I am spiritual. I am happy. That is what i am. So this diary ends and a brand new chapter of life begins. I keep this to look back in fondness of how far i have come. And i cherish every memory, every person, that has made me the person i am today at this point in my life. 


Onwards...to my new blog. :)

...

What do you do when you can't figure out how to be..right? I can't ever seem to just get it down pat. All i want is the happy relationship, the perfect little family...but it's never quite right. And i'm feeling so lost, yet again.

I am better than the sickness.

The rage subsides in me at all times. I realize i am prone to this aggression. Whether it be nature or nurture or a symptom of both, it is real. It is scary. I have brutally attacked people, i have let my self control go and been blinded completely as i lay down every attack. As vicious as i can be with these words, i am ten times worse with these hands. Towards these men who i have perceived as wronging me. Did i do it because of that wronging or did i do it because of a past that i cannot fully remember or accept? If my mind won't let me in all the way...what horrors lay there?

And sometimes my thoughts lead back to those times when i was with him. My stomach knots. My mind shrieks, " DON'T". I push them away and i try to break free of it. That horrible period in time. A whole section of my life that i am forced to forget because of the betrayal of my soul. No apologies. Still no damn apologies. Broken. A pattern. How many times did it need to repeat before it stopped? Why was i the coward again?

I am not used to feeling like this. I am not used to feeling as though i am not pretty enough to keep someone. Not fun enough. Not...interesting enough. I can't say if this is the pregnancy or not but i just feel...unworthy.

There's something so strange and surreal about the way things ultimately end up in the end.