The rage subsides in me at all times. I realize i am prone to this aggression. Whether it be nature or nurture or a symptom of both, it is real. It is scary. I have brutally attacked people, i have let my self control go and been blinded completely as i lay down every attack. As vicious as i can be with these words, i am ten times worse with these hands. Towards these men who i have perceived as wronging me. Did i do it because of that wronging or did i do it because of a past that i cannot fully remember or accept? If my mind won't let me in all the way...what horrors lay there?

And sometimes my thoughts lead back to those times when i was with him. My stomach knots. My mind shrieks, " DON'T". I push them away and i try to break free of it. That horrible period in time. A whole section of my life that i am forced to forget because of the betrayal of my soul. No apologies. Still no damn apologies. Broken. A pattern. How many times did it need to repeat before it stopped? Why was i the coward again?

I am not used to feeling like this. I am not used to feeling as though i am not pretty enough to keep someone. Not fun enough. Not...interesting enough. I can't say if this is the pregnancy or not but i just feel...unworthy.

There's something so strange and surreal about the way things ultimately end up in the end.

Time shifts rapidly. One moment i am here and the next i am there. Moments in time that i thought had been forgotten, awakened. Smells, sights, feels...just like real. I wonder sometimes if perhaps i am going insane. Forth and back, back and forth, speeding through time as if i am a time traveler. I remember it all. To cement myself in this present, what would that mean? I have always been future or past, never here. Never engaged in this present time. Life for the moment. Living here. Maybe it's finally time to plant my feet firmly and say this is where it all begins. I am letting go of my past...and all it has meant to me.

I would like to push him into oncoming traffic..maybe just a slight slip of the foot. I mean really, who would think me?

Its not a relationship, it's never been a relationship. It's been this sick facade that is caused by my own stupidity and a haze of addiction. So disgusting the things I did. So disgusting the person i was. So filthy i feel. Wanting to wash clean all of it. Wanting to rid myself of his disease. His sickening reach. I feel so helpless. Like his instability is invading my sense of well being. Like i'm being driven insane by his insanity. Like i myself will break. And i have. Over and over. Week after week. Moment after moment. I collapse into myself.

My heart is killing me. I feel like walking into a lake and just going...until i can't breathe, until i can't feel, just let myself be pulled under...and let go.

When it hits, it really fucking hits. I find it so hard to breathe these days. I find it so hard to stop these tears these days. I can't stand the constant pushing. I don't want to hear it anymore. I'm here with my eyes closed, my ears covered by my hands and my mouth open in a silent scream. Just stop. please. I don't want to break.

And it feels like home again. It's the only way i know how to describe the feelings.

I torture myself on a weekly basis by creeping his facebook. I know it's not healthy, i know it's not good and i do it regardless. At first it was just calming for me to see the same old status' i was used to seeing. The ones that were ever so endearing to his personality. And now i find it riddled with posts and comments from the girl i had warned him about. It bothers me to no end. It shouldn't, i should not care but i hate the fact that i can't speak to him, i can't hear his voice or see his witticisms. I did it to myself, i get that. I made it so we couldn't be friends but my goodness it is it ever hard to deal with. I want to be the one he is talking to...so bad. I want to be the one who is his friend. I tell myself to not get so emotional. To not let myself cry. But just because you don't see someone doesn't mean you suddenly forget them or dont still love them. And i do still love him. I just couldn't be in love anymore. My heart is always breaking about it. I assume with time..i will be able to mourn the loss of my dear friend and let go. I just wish i didn't have to.

The summer is coming and i hear C is coming back...and i know i shouldn't even be thinking about him or wondering about him or even thinking about the fact that he is coming back, but i do. I am finding it so hard to just let go. Nothing was left in good order and it bothers me more than i want to admit to anyone.

J's birthday is coming up soon, i'm excited beyond belief. Being her mother has been more fulfilling to me than anything i have ever done in life. The rewards i have silently received every time she says, " I love you", or " Mommy, you're the best", mean more to me than anything else ever could. My baby is not so much a baby anymore. It's an interesting point in time. All i know is that this is the time to pull it altogether and that is what i am going to do. For her.

B and I...have our ups and downs. Every single weekend it has been the same thing though and it's hurt. Drink up, get drunk...and then it's an attack on me. At first it was funny, we all laughed at it and just ignored it. I would hang out with our friends and just avoid him. Then the words cut through and pierced my heart and i spent half the weekend in tears for that next month. People asking me why i stayed? That i didn't deserve what i was getting. But during the week we were perfect, how could i give up that just because of the weekends?

Lately it's gotten to the point where i snap. I yell back, i slap him, my girlfriends get involved, his friends get involved telling him to leave me alone...and then we got to the point where i said, slow down on everything or i'm gone. Every since then we've been really great but we haven't been doing much partying and he's been out of town.This coming weekend is the test and i am terrified that he will fail. Where will i be then?

After 4 years! After 4 years of being the best mother i can be, which i happen to think is an amazing one...he thinks he can try and get custody? What kind of horrible person is he to think that his step-wife would be better suited just because i want to put my daughter in a dayhome so i can further our future? I am disgusted and i am heartbroken. But i will fight with every single thing i have. He will not do this to me just to satisfy his own petty ideas.

It's been two months and i miss my best friend. That's really all there is to it. No fancy writing. Just that.

At times i wish my life were not so much like a movie. Or at the very least, a dull one. But then again, life without passion and adventure and a slight sense of danger leaves me wanting for more. I am not okay with complacency. It is not as though i have no regard for others in my life. It is simply that if it's not what it should be..then it shouldn't be. In any circumstance. The upheaval of one's life does not just pertain to one's own self. It affects a wide variety of people and circumstances around them and to take the calculated risk is something that i have always tried to do. Unfortunately, this degree of assertiveness has it's drawbacks. Yet, it always works out in the end.

Nights like these where the music fades in and out of the threshold of my heart. I yearn for what there was...and my heart is filled to the brim with sorrow for what isn't. I weep.

And i understood what had been broken. I knew that i held that power. It's not something that i wanted to do. I am not proud of it. I am not happy about it. But the reaction, the cruel and immature stylings that proceeded forth from his actions and his mouth....disgusted and frightened me. This man who had been the symbol of strength and safety had yet again showed that he was capable of something so beneath what i thought he was. It burned but it assured me...i had made the right decision. I deserve to be safe. I deserve to be loved and not taken for granted and while i may be a handful and more than the average person can care for, i am worth more.

So i went to my first counseling session. On my quest to find truth and a level of peace...perhaps a sense of knowledge about why i might deal with things the way i do. It revealed more than i thought it could that quickly...BORDERLINE. Borderline personality disorder. Not yet diagnosed because i now need to see a psychiatrist, not just a counselor...but my goodness does it ever explain a lot. All i want to do now is move forth and move on and get the help i need. I want simplicity in whatever form i can have it.

I want to do right.

And i dream of him at night. I have these nightmares about horrible things. And i wake up screaming out and gasping for air. When will it cease? I just want things to be normal again.

laid bare

The sickly sweet, putrid scent of death envelopes me. I try to hold my breath.
Escape its embrace. But it melts into my skin, my hair. Seeps through my eyes.
Into my mouth and my nose, finding its way to my soul
And it clenches on, its grip so tight. I feel as though i cannot ever feel the same.
I feel as though i am so broken that it may never be fixed. I am the destroyer.
I am the destroyed. The weak. The cold. I had been the victim so long that i let it take over.
And the only way to arise and become a symbol of strength for the first time in my life, i had to destroy the one thing i felt made me worth something.
I am no longer human.
I am no longer alive.
I am a paper list of problems being burned as the mourners wail and scream their anger and sadness around my urn. Put to death.
But when will i finally be alive?