I would like to push him into oncoming traffic..maybe just a slight slip of the foot. I mean really, who would think me?

Its not a relationship, it's never been a relationship. It's been this sick facade that is caused by my own stupidity and a haze of addiction. So disgusting the things I did. So disgusting the person i was. So filthy i feel. Wanting to wash clean all of it. Wanting to rid myself of his disease. His sickening reach. I feel so helpless. Like his instability is invading my sense of well being. Like i'm being driven insane by his insanity. Like i myself will break. And i have. Over and over. Week after week. Moment after moment. I collapse into myself.

My heart is killing me. I feel like walking into a lake and just going...until i can't breathe, until i can't feel, just let myself be pulled under...and let go.

When it hits, it really fucking hits. I find it so hard to breathe these days. I find it so hard to stop these tears these days. I can't stand the constant pushing. I don't want to hear it anymore. I'm here with my eyes closed, my ears covered by my hands and my mouth open in a silent scream. Just stop. please. I don't want to break.

And it feels like home again. It's the only way i know how to describe the feelings.