So much of this blog has been sadness, despair...a state of discontent. At times there was uplifting moments, people, things that brought about this incredible change in me and my state of being. But always they ended up bringing me right back to where i had left off. I realize now in my 25th year...that the only way to make me happy and keep me happy is to be the one to do so. To not have to depend on some kind of outer stimulus from a mate but to look deep within my soul and to bring out that strength within myself. CLARITY. So amazing. 


So with that being said...i feel as though i am a new person altogether. This blog has been the heart and soul of me for a long time but that person needs to be put into a place of memories and not continued on. I am a changed being. I am a happy and light person. I am aware of my darkness and the balance that there is within me but i do not need to let myself become unbalanced and sink into that deepness. I am light. I am spiritual. I am happy. That is what i am. So this diary ends and a brand new chapter of life begins. I keep this to look back in fondness of how far i have come. And i cherish every memory, every person, that has made me the person i am today at this point in my life. 


Onwards...to my new blog. :)

...

What do you do when you can't figure out how to be..right? I can't ever seem to just get it down pat. All i want is the happy relationship, the perfect little family...but it's never quite right. And i'm feeling so lost, yet again.

I am better than the sickness.

The rage subsides in me at all times. I realize i am prone to this aggression. Whether it be nature or nurture or a symptom of both, it is real. It is scary. I have brutally attacked people, i have let my self control go and been blinded completely as i lay down every attack. As vicious as i can be with these words, i am ten times worse with these hands. Towards these men who i have perceived as wronging me. Did i do it because of that wronging or did i do it because of a past that i cannot fully remember or accept? If my mind won't let me in all the way...what horrors lay there?

And sometimes my thoughts lead back to those times when i was with him. My stomach knots. My mind shrieks, " DON'T". I push them away and i try to break free of it. That horrible period in time. A whole section of my life that i am forced to forget because of the betrayal of my soul. No apologies. Still no damn apologies. Broken. A pattern. How many times did it need to repeat before it stopped? Why was i the coward again?

I am not used to feeling like this. I am not used to feeling as though i am not pretty enough to keep someone. Not fun enough. Not...interesting enough. I can't say if this is the pregnancy or not but i just feel...unworthy.

There's something so strange and surreal about the way things ultimately end up in the end.

Time shifts rapidly. One moment i am here and the next i am there. Moments in time that i thought had been forgotten, awakened. Smells, sights, feels...just like real. I wonder sometimes if perhaps i am going insane. Forth and back, back and forth, speeding through time as if i am a time traveler. I remember it all. To cement myself in this present, what would that mean? I have always been future or past, never here. Never engaged in this present time. Life for the moment. Living here. Maybe it's finally time to plant my feet firmly and say this is where it all begins. I am letting go of my past...and all it has meant to me.

I would like to push him into oncoming traffic..maybe just a slight slip of the foot. I mean really, who would think me?

Its not a relationship, it's never been a relationship. It's been this sick facade that is caused by my own stupidity and a haze of addiction. So disgusting the things I did. So disgusting the person i was. So filthy i feel. Wanting to wash clean all of it. Wanting to rid myself of his disease. His sickening reach. I feel so helpless. Like his instability is invading my sense of well being. Like i'm being driven insane by his insanity. Like i myself will break. And i have. Over and over. Week after week. Moment after moment. I collapse into myself.

My heart is killing me. I feel like walking into a lake and just going...until i can't breathe, until i can't feel, just let myself be pulled under...and let go.

When it hits, it really fucking hits. I find it so hard to breathe these days. I find it so hard to stop these tears these days. I can't stand the constant pushing. I don't want to hear it anymore. I'm here with my eyes closed, my ears covered by my hands and my mouth open in a silent scream. Just stop. please. I don't want to break.

And it feels like home again. It's the only way i know how to describe the feelings.

I torture myself on a weekly basis by creeping his facebook. I know it's not healthy, i know it's not good and i do it regardless. At first it was just calming for me to see the same old status' i was used to seeing. The ones that were ever so endearing to his personality. And now i find it riddled with posts and comments from the girl i had warned him about. It bothers me to no end. It shouldn't, i should not care but i hate the fact that i can't speak to him, i can't hear his voice or see his witticisms. I did it to myself, i get that. I made it so we couldn't be friends but my goodness it is it ever hard to deal with. I want to be the one he is talking to...so bad. I want to be the one who is his friend. I tell myself to not get so emotional. To not let myself cry. But just because you don't see someone doesn't mean you suddenly forget them or dont still love them. And i do still love him. I just couldn't be in love anymore. My heart is always breaking about it. I assume with time..i will be able to mourn the loss of my dear friend and let go. I just wish i didn't have to.

The summer is coming and i hear C is coming back...and i know i shouldn't even be thinking about him or wondering about him or even thinking about the fact that he is coming back, but i do. I am finding it so hard to just let go. Nothing was left in good order and it bothers me more than i want to admit to anyone.

J's birthday is coming up soon, i'm excited beyond belief. Being her mother has been more fulfilling to me than anything i have ever done in life. The rewards i have silently received every time she says, " I love you", or " Mommy, you're the best", mean more to me than anything else ever could. My baby is not so much a baby anymore. It's an interesting point in time. All i know is that this is the time to pull it altogether and that is what i am going to do. For her.

B and I...have our ups and downs. Every single weekend it has been the same thing though and it's hurt. Drink up, get drunk...and then it's an attack on me. At first it was funny, we all laughed at it and just ignored it. I would hang out with our friends and just avoid him. Then the words cut through and pierced my heart and i spent half the weekend in tears for that next month. People asking me why i stayed? That i didn't deserve what i was getting. But during the week we were perfect, how could i give up that just because of the weekends?

Lately it's gotten to the point where i snap. I yell back, i slap him, my girlfriends get involved, his friends get involved telling him to leave me alone...and then we got to the point where i said, slow down on everything or i'm gone. Every since then we've been really great but we haven't been doing much partying and he's been out of town.This coming weekend is the test and i am terrified that he will fail. Where will i be then?

After 4 years! After 4 years of being the best mother i can be, which i happen to think is an amazing one...he thinks he can try and get custody? What kind of horrible person is he to think that his step-wife would be better suited just because i want to put my daughter in a dayhome so i can further our future? I am disgusted and i am heartbroken. But i will fight with every single thing i have. He will not do this to me just to satisfy his own petty ideas.

It's been two months and i miss my best friend. That's really all there is to it. No fancy writing. Just that.

At times i wish my life were not so much like a movie. Or at the very least, a dull one. But then again, life without passion and adventure and a slight sense of danger leaves me wanting for more. I am not okay with complacency. It is not as though i have no regard for others in my life. It is simply that if it's not what it should be..then it shouldn't be. In any circumstance. The upheaval of one's life does not just pertain to one's own self. It affects a wide variety of people and circumstances around them and to take the calculated risk is something that i have always tried to do. Unfortunately, this degree of assertiveness has it's drawbacks. Yet, it always works out in the end.

Nights like these where the music fades in and out of the threshold of my heart. I yearn for what there was...and my heart is filled to the brim with sorrow for what isn't. I weep.

And i understood what had been broken. I knew that i held that power. It's not something that i wanted to do. I am not proud of it. I am not happy about it. But the reaction, the cruel and immature stylings that proceeded forth from his actions and his mouth....disgusted and frightened me. This man who had been the symbol of strength and safety had yet again showed that he was capable of something so beneath what i thought he was. It burned but it assured me...i had made the right decision. I deserve to be safe. I deserve to be loved and not taken for granted and while i may be a handful and more than the average person can care for, i am worth more.

So i went to my first counseling session. On my quest to find truth and a level of peace...perhaps a sense of knowledge about why i might deal with things the way i do. It revealed more than i thought it could that quickly...BORDERLINE. Borderline personality disorder. Not yet diagnosed because i now need to see a psychiatrist, not just a counselor...but my goodness does it ever explain a lot. All i want to do now is move forth and move on and get the help i need. I want simplicity in whatever form i can have it.

I want to do right.

And i dream of him at night. I have these nightmares about horrible things. And i wake up screaming out and gasping for air. When will it cease? I just want things to be normal again.