And the summer fades away quickly, the leaves change their colors slowly signaling the change of seasons and the most important time in my life. As per usual. The fall is my changing month, where i make the ultimate decisions that determine where i head from that point on. This point last year i was essentially where i am now. At a major turning point and the endless decisions rise up and the worry sets in and the determination to make the right choices all run through my mind. And it's a make it or break it, heart felt or heart broken taste that is in my mouth. There is an overwhelming sense of foreboding. Dont break any bones. Dont break any bones. Slow down. Speed up. Fast track to the rest of your life. What do you want? And do you want it bad enough to give it all away? I want extraordinary, i want passionate, i want intensity running through my veins. Let's not step too carefully.

You mind yours. I'll mind mine.

"Do you think before you speak? Do you think that i can't see, that you don't care for me?"

I had you down. I knew you by heart. Caught you so many times and still i believed in the good.
i did not see this coming. I was not prepared in the very least. And my heart broke a little when it came at me the way it did. And even though i thought i was long past caring...i am still hurt. As much as i knew it was all part of a facade i didn't want to think it would be let go so easily. I didn't want to think i was that forgettable. I didn't want to cry this much over...you. And so i push forth through it all...and lay claim to my heart and patch it back up. And let it swell. Bloom. Beat. Feel. I'll never let them get the best of me.

" Find a new chick and you'll treat her real nice. Take her out on the town in the moonlight. Oh you'll both have a beautiful time...if you only had a conscience your heart would be mine."

And even though i have the man of my dreams, i can't help but wonder what was so wrong with me that the men before...just got better when i was done with them. Why i built them into better men for other girls. Why they couldn't just do it for me. Why did i get the shattered heart time and time again..to the point where i am damaged goods and have barely enough to give to the one i have now.

Why am I the one who has scars and wounds and aches that just dont heal..

I wish i could just mind mine and let you mind yours but i'm so pretty when i put the damage on.
And i don't want to be the only one who cries these tears when i'm left alone with my thoughts. I'm just broken. And i'm realizing the extent of how ripped apart i am. And i hate you all because of it. I hate you S. I hate you S. I hate you P. I hate you A. I hate all those randoms... I hate you...i hate you....i just want to be okay with myself.

And i look to the future and at times i am stalled in fear.
Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of life itself.
So i freeze.
And i forget.
And i risk nothing.
And then i spiral because if you risk nothing you gain nothing.
And the nothing kills my very spirit.
So here i will stand, legs strong, head held high, eyes looking straight ahead.
And i will push through and i will force my way through this invisible brick wall.
I will get what i want. My any means necessary.
No more procrastination.

I feel as though time is just rushing by me at a speed that i am entirely unable to keep up with.
Breathe, blink, breathe, blink...it's gone. All i want to do is reach out and grab it by the thick of its neck and say, " Stay still a moment. I need some peace." Just a moment to calm my fears, rid myself of my stresses, perhaps maybe gain a head start. Alas, i am behind. As usual. My flights of fancy swallowing me whole until i forget where i start and they end. My fingertips tracing along a lifetime of dreams not yet followed. Not yet achieved. Tracing the ridges ever so gently...feeling the cracks,the breaks, the jagged ups and slippery slopes. As my mind wonders, " When will the high last?"

"instead, let me steady myself
in the arms
of a man who won't ask me to be
what he needs, but lets me exist
as i am"

And it is this type of beauty. This type of love that draws me deeper in as though i have no cares in the world, besides the cocoon that exists between he and i. The beat of his heart, the rise and fall of my chest, the soft brush of lips on skin. Pulse against pulse, beat against beat, breath against breath, the push of it all. The slow rise of anticipation and the glorious explosion of undenied passion. It is he that i shed my skin for and lay bare and open just bones and mass waiting to be explored as if i have never had another love before. And essentially, i have not.

...it is this type of beauty that i cannot ignore.

I fall into fits of depression. They are sudden and swift and knock the sunshine out of me.
And i can't find a moment of peace. My mind is constantly and consistently running amok.
And sometimes i wish i could just be like other people, going with the flow, never questioning WHY? Because although it is okay when i am questioning why in a positive manor, when i am in a funk it makes it worse. My stomach aches, a dull twisting pain. My head feels as though it is spinning and i can't even look at the sun and smile. And because for the last while i have been such a positive person, embracing life and the beauty in it, it feels ten times worse when i am sad. I hope i snap out of this fast.