And frankly, i believe it was the most embarassing and worst times in my adult life. Disgraceful and disgusting. I was a shell of who i had the potential to be. This mess that i couldn't even see until looking back. I wish...i wish that i had thrown my arms in the air and maybe cried out for help a bit louder than i did. Instead of letting people think i wasn't drowning. It turns my stomach to think of the blur and all the chaos and the level i had sunk to...

Now finally...i am actively trying to make myself right. And it's incredibly hard and sometimes i make big mistakes. But i am pushing forward and i am letting myself love myself. This coming year, i'll be happy.

And it is nowhere near the same. There is an underlying current of meanness. Seemingly out of nowhere. It infests even the nicest of moments. And i beg to understand but am faced with a stoic face and a hand to swipe away my earnest pleas to just open up for a moment. I want to believe we don't need the itching and aching help of the drugs we dilute ourselves with to indulge in a moment of clarity. Yet, i am starting to realize that perhaps...we always have and things will never change. I am not okay with this. I am not at peace with this. I am not willing to settle for this.

I do not believe that i am simply not as good because i am a female. If there is any idiocy around, i would tend to believe that perhaps someone who feels it alright to speak out this way against someone they supposedly love, might be possessing it. To make a lover feel inferior is a dear crime and one that can become punishable in an assortment of ways. To point towards this...my life, my emotions, my mind and level it down to some pathetic jargon of the typical teenage girl has slowly filled me with disdain and try as i might to set this all aside and to move on..when i am the one who is left in the dark..my thoughts tend to overwhelm my sense of resignation.

I will not allow my self esteem to endure a kick to the ribs for long...not even for someone i love so dearly.

Why am i always throwing my emotions and my heart out there and never getting the same in response? It's like this neverending circle where i am always left to be fighting for what i want but feeling like lesser than. My illusions of perfection are shattered and all i am left with is this sinking feeling in my stomach and this not so nice taste in my mouth. Fuck me.

loving you...

It's as though there is always a wall placed up in front of what i am looking for, what i am needing, what i apparently don't deserve. Maybe B is right. Maybe i'm just not cut out of the right cloth. To be pushed aside, to be an afterthought...to be..on my own. I'm not doing me.
And i'm tired. Just tired. And all i was looking for was to be uplifted. what a fail.

Driving back in from the country i couldn't help but let my eyes drift to the vast amounts of forestry. And let my mind trail to thoughts of just getting out of the vehicle...and walking straight into it. Letting the darkness overwhelm every sense of my being, just get lost. Oh god i just want to be lost.

I woke up this morning after dreaming about you and i felt such a sense of calm. I can't remember what i dreamed though...and that bothers me. I can't seem to let you go. Rid you from my thoughts. What is wrong with me? The clouds and the rain and the chill set the precedent for my mood to be awful but it actually has made me feel...safe. There's a sense of foreboding there...i'm never safe for long.

And the summer fades away quickly, the leaves change their colors slowly signaling the change of seasons and the most important time in my life. As per usual. The fall is my changing month, where i make the ultimate decisions that determine where i head from that point on. This point last year i was essentially where i am now. At a major turning point and the endless decisions rise up and the worry sets in and the determination to make the right choices all run through my mind. And it's a make it or break it, heart felt or heart broken taste that is in my mouth. There is an overwhelming sense of foreboding. Dont break any bones. Dont break any bones. Slow down. Speed up. Fast track to the rest of your life. What do you want? And do you want it bad enough to give it all away? I want extraordinary, i want passionate, i want intensity running through my veins. Let's not step too carefully.