Time shifts rapidly. One moment i am here and the next i am there. Moments in time that i thought had been forgotten, awakened. Smells, sights, feels...just like real. I wonder sometimes if perhaps i am going insane. Forth and back, back and forth, speeding through time as if i am a time traveler. I remember it all. To cement myself in this present, what would that mean? I have always been future or past, never here. Never engaged in this present time. Life for the moment. Living here. Maybe it's finally time to plant my feet firmly and say this is where it all begins. I am letting go of my past...and all it has meant to me.

I would like to push him into oncoming traffic..maybe just a slight slip of the foot. I mean really, who would think me?

Its not a relationship, it's never been a relationship. It's been this sick facade that is caused by my own stupidity and a haze of addiction. So disgusting the things I did. So disgusting the person i was. So filthy i feel. Wanting to wash clean all of it. Wanting to rid myself of his disease. His sickening reach. I feel so helpless. Like his instability is invading my sense of well being. Like i'm being driven insane by his insanity. Like i myself will break. And i have. Over and over. Week after week. Moment after moment. I collapse into myself.

My heart is killing me. I feel like walking into a lake and just going...until i can't breathe, until i can't feel, just let myself be pulled under...and let go.

When it hits, it really fucking hits. I find it so hard to breathe these days. I find it so hard to stop these tears these days. I can't stand the constant pushing. I don't want to hear it anymore. I'm here with my eyes closed, my ears covered by my hands and my mouth open in a silent scream. Just stop. please. I don't want to break.

And it feels like home again. It's the only way i know how to describe the feelings.

I torture myself on a weekly basis by creeping his facebook. I know it's not healthy, i know it's not good and i do it regardless. At first it was just calming for me to see the same old status' i was used to seeing. The ones that were ever so endearing to his personality. And now i find it riddled with posts and comments from the girl i had warned him about. It bothers me to no end. It shouldn't, i should not care but i hate the fact that i can't speak to him, i can't hear his voice or see his witticisms. I did it to myself, i get that. I made it so we couldn't be friends but my goodness it is it ever hard to deal with. I want to be the one he is talking to...so bad. I want to be the one who is his friend. I tell myself to not get so emotional. To not let myself cry. But just because you don't see someone doesn't mean you suddenly forget them or dont still love them. And i do still love him. I just couldn't be in love anymore. My heart is always breaking about it. I assume with time..i will be able to mourn the loss of my dear friend and let go. I just wish i didn't have to.

The summer is coming and i hear C is coming back...and i know i shouldn't even be thinking about him or wondering about him or even thinking about the fact that he is coming back, but i do. I am finding it so hard to just let go. Nothing was left in good order and it bothers me more than i want to admit to anyone.

J's birthday is coming up soon, i'm excited beyond belief. Being her mother has been more fulfilling to me than anything i have ever done in life. The rewards i have silently received every time she says, " I love you", or " Mommy, you're the best", mean more to me than anything else ever could. My baby is not so much a baby anymore. It's an interesting point in time. All i know is that this is the time to pull it altogether and that is what i am going to do. For her.

B and I...have our ups and downs. Every single weekend it has been the same thing though and it's hurt. Drink up, get drunk...and then it's an attack on me. At first it was funny, we all laughed at it and just ignored it. I would hang out with our friends and just avoid him. Then the words cut through and pierced my heart and i spent half the weekend in tears for that next month. People asking me why i stayed? That i didn't deserve what i was getting. But during the week we were perfect, how could i give up that just because of the weekends?

Lately it's gotten to the point where i snap. I yell back, i slap him, my girlfriends get involved, his friends get involved telling him to leave me alone...and then we got to the point where i said, slow down on everything or i'm gone. Every since then we've been really great but we haven't been doing much partying and he's been out of town.This coming weekend is the test and i am terrified that he will fail. Where will i be then?