I want to be romantic but i'm too much of a realist

I am covered in skin, no one gets to come in.Pull me out from inside, I am folded and unfolded and unfolding, I am colorblind.~Counting Crows

It was mine and S's 8 month anniversary on Sunday. I wasnt expecting anything like going to a fancy restaurant or a present. I didnt want that, all i wanted was to spend the day with S. So he called his cousin to come over which was fine but then i ended up spending at least two hours hanging out with S's mom and his sisters while he was downstairs with his cousin. Then his sister piped up and asked why he was ignoring me and i said that i didnt know and then she brought up the fact that guys are stupid. I found that absolutely right, guys are fucking idiots sometimes. I love him so much but sometimes i dont think he realizes that he hurts me.Sometimes i think hes just completely oblivious.

I feel so much insecurity about going to Calgary, i dont know what to do with it all. We're supposed to move with A., hes not only S's cousin but hes his best friend. The thing is i cant seem to get comfortable around him. I always feel as if i will be ignored, denied, or made out to look like an idiot. I'm not afraid of talking, i'm just afraid of those three things. Another thing is that when we were all bowling on Sunday, he decided to inform me that he thought i was a bitch. I always have snappy things to say, it isnt to be hurtful or rude i just like to poke fun. I would have never taken some guy calling me a bitch before but this time i let it go and now i just feel like shit. I let myself down by not saying anything because honestly no one has the right to tell me that i'm a bitch, especially someone that doesnt know me.I've always been loud-spoken and i've always had a lot of pride and a lot of opinions and i've just seem to shut down on myself and it pains me more than anything...I'm such a fucking loser.

12:01 a.m. - 2003-05-27