This is the kind of pain you can't steal

I've written and re-written at least five entries in the past hour but nothing seems to suffice. Stop. Reread.Delete. Its just all wrong.No matter what i write it just cant seem to come out in the way i want it too. Its so pitiful. I'm supposed to be good at expressing my feelings by writing. I cant get it out just by speaking because if i say something that someone doesnt want to hear, i'm being irrational. But writing, my saving grace. Expressive, attentive and no need to explain things in full detail. I can say it the way i want to and if people cant figure it out thats just fine, right?

I like to think of myself as tough. I like to think that what people say about me doesnt matter. But it does, at a first glance i may just seem angry. But if anyone took the time to take a second glance they would realize...its not anger. Its pain. Pure, unfiltered pain. This is what i know how to express best. Happiness is hard for me to express because there was a point in my life where i didnt feel any happiness whatsoever. So, although that time is over i still remember the days when it was such a rare thing for a smile to come over my face, that when it did it hurt. Anger is easy enough to express because its the easiest emotion. Anger can be called upon in a stiff second and can stay for way longer. So before you get upset with me for being "irrationally angry" please look into my eyes and tell me what you see then.

2:35 p.m. - 2004-02-29