Do you ever feel like yourself is just being pushed deep down inside of you, and all that is left is this blank empty hole of a person? I do, i feel it all the time, i feel like i cant be myself, i cant say certain things, i cant do certain things and i cant expect certain things out of others. I cant even expect things out of myself that i used to be able to. Sometimes i feel like i'm comatose and the world is just passing me by and all i can do is look, but i cant acknowledge anything or anybody. I'm drowning in a sea of self loathing. Why is it always me that turns out to be the bad guy? Why is it always me that has to look like the fool? I have my friends that know me and love me and i have people that care about me that i havent even met. But the one person who is supposedly the love of my life doesnt even want to act like it. I want to be with him for the rest of my life, but sometimes i dont think that it will happen. Maybe because of mistakes i've made, maybe because of mistakes he'd made and sometimes i just feel left behind. I'm always trying to keep my mouth shut and he tells me to talk but when i do he just gets mad at the things i say. I mean if he didnt want the truth then why does he always ask. I cant deal with it, maybe i'm just not cut out to be someones girlfriend, to be their wife. Maybe i'm destined to be alone, with my family and friends and my cat...cause you know i'll end up with about a thousand cats. I want to believe in him, i want to believe in us but sometimes it is so hard and i just feel like giving it all up. Giving the one thing that i wanted in my life away and letting him be on his own. Or maybe we just need a break because i dont know what to do to make him happy and i try but it never works out. And i know i'm rambling and none of the words are anything near to beautiful but i dont feel anywhere near beautiful. And when theres nothing left to feel good about, what do you do then?will someone honestly answer me, what do you do then?
11:37 p.m. - 2003-12-13
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