Am i wasting my time?

"Black And Blue"

Fading everything to black and blue

You look a lot like you

Shatter in the blink of an eye

You keep sailing right on through

Every time you say you're learning

You just look a lot like me

Pale under the blistering sky

White and red

Black and blue

You've been waiting a long time

You've been waiting a long time

To fall down on your knees

Cut your hands

Cut yourself until you bleed

Fall asleep next to me

Wait for everyone to go away

And in a dimly lit

room where you've got nothing to hide

Say your goodbyes

Tell yourself we'll read

a note that says

I'm sorry everyone

I'm tired of feeling nothing goodbye

Wash your face

Dry your eyes

Cause you've been waiting a long time

You've been waiting a long long time

To fall down on your knees

Cut your hands

Cut yourself until you bleed

But fall asleep next to me

Have a dream I'm falling down

On my face

Scrape my knees

Scrape my hands until they bleed

Cause you're fast asleep next to me

Next to me [3X]

So i spent yesterday at S's house, we went to Thaniels to see lord of the rings two and it was an awesome movie. After the movie we were hanging out and S called me Ash by accident. Ash is this girl that was there that he slept with which pissed me off but not too bad. Then when we got back to his place we just cuddled and watched t.v. He was being all sweet and saying that he lived for the moments that he could just hold me and fall asleep with me in his arms. The next morning everything was fine too, until we went to get something to eat before his job interview. I told him to meet me at this shop called Where Faires Live and he got all upset and said that i was being disrespectful because its a tarot card place. Then he kissed me before he went to his job interview and i just hung out for a while until he was done.When he got back from his interview, i asked him how it went and he didnt respond for a minute and then he just gave me the thumbs up. Then i asked him what was wrong and he said, "nothing." But then we started walking back to where we were supposed to meet his mom and he walked so far ahead of me, didnt talk to me or anything. Then when we were in the car he didnt talk to me either. I didnt know what was wrong but i didnt bother asking because he had already said nothing and i thought it would make him more mad if i asked again.I was upset at first but then i just got pissed off. So i wasnt very talkative and he didnt say much to me when we went to whyte ave. So when we got back to his house he says, "Why havent you talked these past four hours?" I replied with, " I didnt have anything to talk about." Then he went downstairs and laid down watching tv while i sat on the couch, neither of us saying anything to each other. Then he asked me what was wrong and i said nothing. Exactly what he had said to me earlier and he got all mad and said that if i wanted to be that way then fine. Which just upset me even more because he was the one who had been ignoring me in the first place.Then i just said that i had a stomach ache and left it at that. I know i'm such a liar but i didnt feel like bringing up a whole big conversation about who ignored who, i just didnt want to do it at that time. So when i left i said bye to his and bye to S. No, "I love you." No, hugs goodbye. Just a simple goodbye. I wanted to say I love you but for some reason i didnt, then when i got into my moms car she asked what happened and i explained through the tears running down my face. Why do i have to be such a baby? No relationship is perfect, no matter what anyone says.

*sighs* I just for once people wouldnt get mad at me for no apparent reason.Anyways i come home and Jeff asked me what was wrong...i said nothing and he said, "bullshit, you never look that way when you come home from your boyfriends." So i explained and he was all nice and everything.Hes a good guy.So my family spent like an hour cheering me up which i appreciate so much. I get mad at them sometimes but i absolutely love my family.Plus my mom is paying to get me into some modeling class, its around two hundred and sixty dollars and at the end there is a fashion show and photography is done for each individual by a professional photographer. It sounds fucking awesome and it starts february 15th, which reminds me. S told me today that he doesnt think i'd be a good mom. Does anyone realize how much that pisses me off???????? I want to put my kids in beauty pageants and i know theres a lot of bad shit said about them but honestly if you only put them in a few they have the chance of getting scholarships, money, cars and other things. Its not like i would force my kid to do it if they didnt want to, so how would that make me turn out to be a bad mother? I want my kids open to experiences i didnt have and S just says that i would make a bad mother. I'm fucking pissed off and i hate being this way.

10:05 p.m. - 2003-01-29