God, i think i need proffesional help

I have to talk about something that has been running through my mind for a while, i dont want to incriminate anyone but its something that i need to get out. My step dad and i have a good relationship most of the time, sometimes he can be an ass but thats how dad's can be. Anyways, lately hes been starting to make me feel uncomfortable. The way he looks at me and the way he touches me when he hugs me and yesterday i went to take out the dogs and he was drunk and he followed me out...it was in a dark alley and he told me to come over so i did but i got the creepy feeling that he was going to do something. So i walk over to him and he tells me to come closer so i'm like two inches away from him and he says, " You're a bad little girl, you've already had sex and i know you want it, and you're a sexy little girl too...look at the way you dress, i always see those guys looking at you. You want to have more sex dont you? You can tell me the truth because i know you do." Now by that time i was just totally fucking embarrassed and i didnt feel comfortable talking to him, so i was like no and i walked away into the light where there was lots of cars, hoping he would leave me alone...and leave me alone he did. But that wasnt the first time i've felt like he was going to try and do something to me, he wants me to go sleepover at his house and i'm running out of excuses not to go.

Another thing, i live with my step-uncle and i was going to the bathroom and i had just finished when he walked in the hallway as i was coming out and he said," what are you doing?" and i said," i was taking a pee and if you had come a little earlier you would have seen me doing my business cause i didnt bother to shut the door" and then i laughed and he laughed. He then looked at me and said, " I would have sold that stuff on the internet" It was sorta odd to have someone say that to me, especially a family member but i dont know what its like to have a family, i dont know how most families act around each other.

~The brightest futures are based on forgotten pasts~

The guy that i was talking about, the dominating one...well he and i arent together. He decided that i had to get my priorities straight before we could give it another try.The reason for this being because i had to go to my little cousins birthday instead of seeing him. I'm not in the mood for a relationship with another male...i figure i'll just have them as play toys and keep female relationships going. They're much less complicated.Plus i went through the whole phase of liking guys more and even loving some and now i am more in the mood for females...I wonder how long this will last, lol. You know its hard to know what females are bi or lesbians when you're 15 because most dont proudly announce it until they're older but i know i can work my magic and round up another girlfriend. Dont get me wrong, R. is great and we've been going out for 8 months now, one of my longest relationships ever and her longest ever, but she's going to be gone during the summer and thats going to be such a bummer, i still have my C. though.

~Failure is not an option~

I've been watching all these movies about serial killers and profilers and its quite interesting. I saw American Psycho 2 and it was one of the best movies i have seen in a while. A female serial killer, lol...now that is something i can look up to. To be like her, to have no conscience whatsoever, to be able to kill and not feel grief...to look out for number one because no one else is going to. That is something i desire to do.

~Bad things, bad things, sad thing have to happen~

I have yet to find someone that meets my standard of flawed perfection. I dont want someone who is perfect just someone who can compliment my attitude. I made a list for the ideal girl and ideal guy for me...so here they are...

Things I Want In a Guy and In A Girl

1. Open-minded

2. Funny

3. Interested in the occult and paranormal

4. Intelligient

5. Interested in profilers and serial killers

6. Spontaneous

7. Romantic

8. Interesting

9. Has artistic abilities whether visual or performing

10. Beautiful eyes

11.Non-judgemental

12. Nice hands

13. Someone who doesnt act fake

I dont think thats a lot to ask for but i guess theres not a lot of people like that around. *sighs* except for robin, she fits all of the above except for one or two.

~I'll let you be in my dreams if i can be in yours~

*Ordinary Gurl*

She never changes her mind

Loves him cause he's so fine

Though she never tells him so

She loves him, oh

Sometimes she feels so sad

Other times feels twice as bad

But when the tears are in her eyes

She never cries

Ordinary Gurl, I know you're different

But I do believe it's love

Ordinary Gurl, wish I were different

But I'm a stranger in the world

Ordinary Gurl

And when the night won't last

Her mind moves much too fast

And she nearly crashed her car

When she broke a star

Ordinary Gurl, I know you're different

But I do believe it's love

Ordinary Gurl, I wish I were different

But I'm a stranger in the world

Ordinary Gurl

Ordinary...

She waits for him to call

But then she feels so small

And though she never tells him so

She loves him, oh

1:21 a.m. - 2002-06-23