I can't find my voice

Life always wants to fuck me up the ass. I didnt make it to anywhere i wanted to go...I didnt even make it out of the fucking city. I got picked up, i hung out with my boy Stork and the guy who picked me up and then we met this guy.He was cute...he was a smooth talker and he ended up talking me all the way into his bed. We ended up having sex six times with his cousin and brother in the house. Apparently i woke them up with my loud ass self, but i could give a fuck less.My mom phoned and asked this guy while we were in bed, naked...with me giving him a handjob...if there was an underage girl in bed next to him,lol. He of course said no that i was out in the living room, then he handed me the phone. My mother and i talked and she sent my stepmom to pick me up. Needless to say i ended up back at my stepmoms. She grounded me for a month and during that month i got myself a job.

Well my mom had apparently called this guy, Mohamed...the guy i slept with and his brother had said that i was like the 5th girl he had brought home to fuck and that he had called me a slut. My stepmom broke it to me and that night i cried out everything i needed to. All i was looking for was a little affection and all i got was attention for that time we spent together.I was used.Life moved on i got the morning after pill and i was put on birth control. I got tested for stds...i tested negative...thank god.

In the past few days my life has been taking a dramatic turn. I was fine at my stepmoms until i found out her boyfriend had cheated on her...i told her and she told him she wanted him out of the house. Everything was fine until one night when she came home and he was sleeping in her bed. Well she freaked out and he ended up beating the hell out of her. I called the cops and all they did was send him away in a cab. That night he kept on phoning her and telling her he was going to kill her if she didnt let him back. That continued for 2 days and then suddenly he was back in the house. Sleeping in her bed.I know shes not happy...she told me herself and i'm worried she wont leave him until its too late. But like i've said before we stay because we think abuse is love. My mother had it happen to her, my mothers friends, my stepmom...and i just hope it doesnt happen to me.

Child welfare took me out of my stepmoms and they are doing an investigation.I'm at my moms for now. I have no idea where i will be living in a week. I have no idea how my life will be in a month. Its just all screwed up.

Out of all this mess though i have found a few good things. A girl named S. who i get along with extremely well although she was really shy when we first met and didnt talk for the first 10 minutes. Then there is a guy named Dom who is really sweet and says that he wants to spoil me rotten although we havent known each other long. Then there is a guy named K. who i feel i could fall head over heels in love with.So i guess its not all bad.

Your Existing Situation

Needs warm companionship, but is intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to her. If this is not forthcoming, is liable to shut herself away from them.

Your Stress Sources

The existing situation is disagreeable. Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the rank and file. Her control of her sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge with another. This disturbs her. as such instincts are regarded as weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition, and the esteem of others.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Unhappy at the resistance she feels whenever she tries to assert herself. Indignant and resentful because of these setbacks, but gives way apathetically and makes whatever adjustments are necessary so that she can have peace and quiet.

Willing to become emotionally involved, but demanding and particular in her choice of a partner and in her relations with those close to her. Needs reassurance and is careful to avoid open conflict since this might reduce her prospects of realizing her hopes.

Your Desired Objective

Needs to feel identified with someone or something and wishes to win support by her charm and amiability. Sentimental and yearns for a romantic tenderness.

Your Actual Problem

Greatly impressed by the unique, by originality, and by individuals of outstanding characteristics. Tries to emulate the characteristics she admires and to display originality in her own personality.

Your Actual Problem #2

Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.

I found this poem that i wrote a while ago and i wanted to share it with everyone...

Daddy

Pretty pink walls

teddy bears line the floor

a little girl's room

with pictures on the door.

A pretty pink bed

with pretty pink flowers

where the little girl sits

and counts away the hours

Daddy's home now

mommy's mad

the little girl is hiding

she isn't always so sad.

But something happened last night

when the little girl was asleep

daddy came into her room

and came under the sheets.

The little girl was scared

she didn't know what to do

as her daddy touched her body

in places he wasn't supposed to

He said it was their secret

he said he loved her a lot

night after night, he did it

she did the moves he taught

Now the little girl grew up

she felt like a dirty whore

but her daddy said not to worry

he loved her even more

The teachers started to wonder

why the girl was always so sad

but she denied everything they said

so she didn't make her daddy mad.

One night he came in

as she was sitting on the bed

he sat down next to her

and asked her to give him head

This time she knew it was wrong

and she wasn't scared at all

she stabbed her dad with a knife

and laughed as she watched him fall.

The girl is in trouble now

and she doesn't know what to do

but at least her daddy is gone

and she doesn't have anything like that to go through

11:46 p.m. - 2002-08-09