I just want you to hold my hand

I've been sitting here all night pondering over the same thing....there was never really a break where i stopped and tried to think about anything else. Now here is what has been pestering my thoughts...Can you completely and truly love someone when you dont trust them 100%? And if there is only complete trust on one side...is that love greater? Can you ever really have complete trust in anyone?

I have put my trust in so many people and a lot of times they have shattered my respect for them because of it. I've also made great friends because i put my trust in them. Its a 50/50 thing i suppose. When you trust someone you risk the chance of you getting hurt but you also have the chance of being able to experience that complete wholeness of being totally exposed to someone. That is my safe place. When i can trust someone with everything i have and not have it come out bad.

Its like with my friend B.We have this relationship that has been ongoing for about two years now. Its one of the best i have ever had. I can tell him anything and i dont feel like hes going to judge me...or try to use the information to hurt me somehow.Hes always there for me when i need someone to talk to and cry to.Or when i just need someone to cheer me up.There are times of complete honesty where we lay it out on the table exactly what we think of each other and neither of us get offended by the bad stuff because the good hits home 100 times better. These are the times that i treasure because i know that we are trusting each other enough to know that whatever we say our friendship will still stand strong.

When do you know you have become to dependent on the love of someone? Is it when you would do anything just to be by their side? Or is it when you'd give up anything to make them happy?

Life with S...its like a roller coaster really. But one of those roller coasters you never want to get off of. One single word, one single look from him can make me melt but then theres other times where he raises his voice and the image of a 9 year old me, sitting and crying because i got yelled at pops in my head and i feel like a complete and utter idiot. The thing is...i cant picture myself with anyone else. I used to not be able to commit...i was always afraid that i was missing out on someone who could be better than the person i was with. Being with S. has made me realize the importance and beauty of commitment. Whether he believes me or not, i could not find anyone who was more perfect for me then him. I love everything about him...even when he hurts me i love him. I just hope that someday we'll be together forever.

3:10 a.m. - 2003-03-13