Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I'm not happy when i hurt you

I am not sure why i did it or how my friend V. could not have stopped me. I know its not her fault but she says she loves me, then why let me take that first rail? I did coke...cocaine...white dust...whatever you want to call it. I did anywhere between 50 and 75 rails. I was drinking too and then i was flying high. I dont remember much that happened, just bits and pieces. I wish it never happened. I wish i was just strong enough to say no. I wish i hadnt taken that first drink. I almost died...i could have died. Maybe i should have, maybe something kept me alive. I always thought that if i had someone to live for i would be fine but on that night i wasnt thinking about anyone. I was thinking about taking the pain away and letting myself fly. Fly to a realm of the universe where i could be happy for that single second or that single lifetime.I think that i was thinking if i died i would feel better. I dont want to die. I want to live, just sometimes it gets so hard and i dont think i am capable of handling it. I'll continue to try and i know i'll make more mistakes then i already have...but what else am i supposed to do? I'll take my anti-depressants, I'll tell you when i'm hurting, other than that i dont know. Maybe i just need to learn to love myself, the way other people love me.

I miss living with S., i miss being able to just have him hold me while i slept. I miss the way he'd wake me up in the middle of the night because he wasnt feeling well. I miss the way i felt when he came home to me. I miss the way we would cuddle all night. I miss being with him. I only get to see him on Saturdays and Sundays and thats just not enough for me. Its not the same as before...When he found out that i was sick he was crying. When i was showed up at his house on Saturday, he didnt know i would be there and he admitted to me that he was going home to kill himself because he thought i was dead. I am so sorry for everything i've done and the pain i have caused. I dont know whats wrong with me.

I'm grounded, obviously since i almost died. Step mom is quite mad at me, she doesnt want an apology. She wants me to talk to her, but its hard to explain why i do the things i do, i cant even explain why i do it.

8:47 p.m. - 2002-12-03

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