Love me, love my friends

Days Drug Free: 10

I went to go see S. yesterday. He had a bad day at work and wanted to see me so i met him downtown.While i was waiting for him to get there i met this kick ass hippie guy named Harmony. He kissed my hand!! It was so adorable. Then i told him that S. was across the street so he was trying to get his attention by waving his arms wildly in the air and yelling at the top of his lungs "S.!!!!" After that S. and I just hung around downtown and then we went to Boston Pizza. We were alright until S. said that he wanted to be obese and i said i wouldnt have sex with him if he was obese. He asked me why and i said because thin is beautiful. We were holding hands up to that point and then he threw my hand away. He knows i've been visiting pro-ana sites and that i have a phobia of getting fat. I'm 5'5 and i'm 120lbs but i told him that i wanted to get down to 110. He said he wont let me go any further than 117. I was less than 117 before so i dont understand what his problem is. Every time i say something about being thinner he gets mad at me. He's always saying i'm thin but i know that i need to lose a little more to get to my ideal weight. I wish he would understand. He cooled down a few minutes later and we were all good and happy. Then i came home and we were talking on the phone and he said something about him having a "date" with his ex girlfriends little sister. Now he calls everything a date so that didnt bother me. What did bother me though was when he started talking about running her a bubble bath and massaging her feet. Of course he was kidding but it pissed the hell out of me. After that little comment our conversation went downhill and he didnt understand why. Maybe i'm just being paranoid or maybe its just the damn side affects of my anti-depressants but either way i was bitchy. Then i said something about going back to my old school because my friend needed me to bitch at someone. See, my friends know that if there is trouble i'll be right there for them and they can call me up if they need help. So i've gone down to the school twice already to bitch at people.Anyways S. started saying shit about my friends being pussies and not being able to fight their own fights and it just totally pissed me off, i cant stand when people talk about my friends. It doesnt matter if you're someone i love you just dont do that. I get quite offended because my friends are a part of my family to me. So i said lets not talk about my friends and hes like okay and then i said i have to go, bye and i hung up. Now usually when i hung up the phone i say i love you first but last night i didnt. I did that on purpose, i wanted him to know that i was pissed off. So i dont know if hes going to phone me today or not and i was supposed to go see him on Saturday and sleepover but i'm not sure whats going on now.These guys were just here to pick up the big screen t.v and one of the guys was totally hitting on me and he actually asked me if i wanted to go out with him and do something. I said i wasnt available and then he said that if i ever did become available to come by and see him and he'd take me out. It was so cute. Well lovely this whole entry has basically been about S., does anyone have any suggestions? I'm a bit clueless at this relationship thing.

Candy Says

Velvet Underground

Candy says I've come to hate my body

and all that it requires in this world

Candy says I'd like to know completely

what others so discretely talk about

Candy says I hate the quiet places

that cause the smallest taste of what will be

Candy says I hate the big decisions

that cause endless revisions in my mind

I'm gonna watch the blue birds fly over my shoulder

I'm gonna watch them pass me by

Maybe when I'm older

What do you think I'd see

If I could walk away from me

1:00 p.m. - 2002-11-22