Mamma is a lunatic

"Mama please stop cryin'/I can't stand the sound/Your pain is painful and it's/Tearing me down/ I hear glasses breaking/ As i sit up in my bed/ I told God you didn't mean/ Those nasty things you said/You fight about money/ About me and my brother/ And this i come home to/ This is my shelter/ It ain't easy growin' up in WW3/ Never knowing what love could be/ You'll see i don't want love to destroy me/ Like it has my family"

Christmas eve is supposed to be a time of joyous laughter and a family's love for one another. Haha, thats such a joke, it seems like the only time that happens is in the songs. Last year at Xmas time i was planning to run away by New Years and i was cutting myself up worse than a christmas ham at the Nutty professor's house. This Xmas eve, my mom ends up choking me because she was pissed off about me bringing my mattress downstairs to my room, so that i could sleep on it. She says i raised my fist first and we all know thats a lie. Sure i have been more violent than before but thats because i stopped cutting, so instead of taking my anger out on myself i take it out on others. You can't really blame me.

"I've been a bad, bad, girl for so long/Don't know how to change/ What went wrong, Daddy's little girl/ But he went away/ What did it teach me?/That love leaves, yeah, yeah/"

I miss my dad more now than ever, now that hes back in my life...well sorta. he lives in Toronto, he's staying there for a while, and he calls me as often as possible. I love him so much. I mean he's the only person i know that would call me just to hear my voice.It's like he knows what i'm feeling, he gets it, and he wants to help but can't. I cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking about how we don't get to be together.

"I never win 1st place/ I don't support the team/ I can't take direction/ And my socks are never clean/ Teachers dated me/ My parents hated me/ I was always in a fight/ Cause i can't do nothing right/Everyday i fight a war against the mirror/Can't take the person staring back at me/ I'm a hazard to myself/ Don't let me get me/ I'm my own worst enemy/ Its bad when you annoy yourself/ So irritating/ Don't want to be my friend no more/ I wanna be somebody else/"

I can't make myself believe that i am a good person. That i can make people happy, every time i try to do something good i fail. This relationship with me and B. isn't gonna work out and then that just adds to the list of failed relationships. I know before we started going out that he thought i made a lot of wrong choices, my drug habits, my sexual nature, my attitude, my depression, God i can't take it. When i sit and take a look at my life i realize that its horrible. I can't remember anything from the age of 10 and under, and from 10 and over its all sickening.i suppose when they call me a slut, they're right.

This song i found is to one of my ex-boyfriends, he knows who he is...

NUMB

No sleep, no sex, for you from your x-girlfriend/ i was too deep can't let you call me just jump in/ At times i would push my feelings aside to let you feel/ I'm Novocaine/I'm numb and nothing's real/ Like the coldest winter/ I am frozen from you/ I was weak before now you've made me/ So numb i don't feel much for you anymore/ I gave you all my baby/ I'm numb, numb, numb/ but the tears were silent inside you see/ I laid there quiet/ And watched you have your way with me/ I might have cried/ But the tears were silent inside you see/ You called me names/ Made me feel like i was dumb/ i didn't feel a thing/ and now i'm gone, gone, gone/ Like a battered child/ i got used to the pain/ But you know its cause/ i'm numb

This is a poem i love...

I AM

I am a poet writing of my pain.

I am a person living a life of shame.

I am your daughter hiding my depression.

I am your sister making a good impression.

I am your friend acting like i'm fine.

I am a wisher wishing this life weren't mine.

I am a girl who thinks of suicide.

I am a teenager pushing her tears aside.

I am a student who doesn't have a clue.

I am the girl sitting next to you.

I am the one asking you to care.

I am your best friend hoping you'll be there.

...I can hear my mom down there, she's bitching again.I'll finish later.

11:10 p.m. - 2001-12-25