underneath your clothes, there's an endless story

I slept over at an old friends house yesterday and her brother who was one of my old "friends with benefits" was there. He is looking beautiful nowadays not that he wasnt before but hes more built now and he looks delicious enough to eat...mmm just gorgeous. The morning after he was wearing clothes that just showed off his beautiful body and we were flirting with each other. Lightly but i know there is still some chemistry.Its a wonder that we never went out but i dont think it would have been good that way anyways, back then when i liked him he was a player and i wasnt into that but now we're on the same level except i'm growing out of the player phase. Its just bad timing on our part. The thing is...i would have jumped his bones right then and there but i thought of something that M. had said to me. He told me that he could trust me.I didnt want to break his trust and you could ask me how he would ever find out if i had even done anything, well i would have told him.Thats how our relationship is...its based on honesty. Its true and its pure and its the first time a guy has seen all my faults and still loved me as much as before. Its something beautiful.My step mom says once a cheater always a cheater, but i know thats a lie and if its not i'm going to try my hardest to prove her wrong. What i have with M. is something that i want to keep forever and if it doesnt last forever at least i'll have the memory of a love that was almost perfect.

I called my friend D. today, hes 35 years old and he is a magnificent human being. He always seems to make me see the good things in me when all i can see is the bad. My sister got on the phone and asked him how old he was, he told her being the honest person he is and she told him not to phone and that he had no business with a 15 year old.Then she hung up on him. I was so angry at her it was not even funny, i felt so capable of being violent towards her that i had to actually remove myself from the room and tell her not to talk to me for the rest of the evening. For some reason she thinks that she can tell me what to do. Well thats just not right, shes 11 years old and i could really give a fuck less about what she says. I have always had older friends its not her business to be rude to them. Sometimes i may not be mature and i may not realize some of the things i do to myself and that shows just how young i really am, but i quite prefer the company of older people.

Tomorrow is mothers day and i'm planning on making it the best day that my mom has had all year. We have our troubles and our differences but i love her with all my heart and i could not ask for a better mother. It hurts me when i realize just how much i've hurt her. How many times i've made her cry and how many times i've told her i hated her.Sometimes i think that i am the worst daughter someone could have had and i try to make it better and i try to make myself better but its hard. Changing the way you've lived for years is hard and the thought that i may never have a good relationship with my mother. Thats what hurts the most although she would never suspect that since i've learned how to control my feelings when i'm around others.

Now its 4:04am in the morning and i am amazed at my ability to be half asleep and have my hair all messy and no make-up at all and still look beautiful. I dont think i've ever been able to think that way before. The fact that i'm on anti depressants may be the reason i feel like this but i'm not completely sure.

Just thinking about M. and I makes me smile, i dont think i've ever had anyone treat me the way he does and i dont honestly think i've loved someone as much as i love him. If this is love and if love is suicide...i guess i just killed myself.

3:43 a.m. - 2002-05-12