When we were wired, the world was like a secret

My plans have changed yet again...for the better i suppose. My best friend and I are running away together, we're bringing along her kid sister. It's all going to be good, i know it will. My mom made me watch The Ananda Lewis show, it was on teens that had bad relationships with their mothers. On the show there was one mother and daughter that could have been my mother and I. From the way they looked and talked to each other to the difficulties they were having. Just like the girl i feel the need to leave my mother to get away as fast as i can. To run, to hide. When i was younger i dreamed of things to become, i dreamed i would be good in school, that i would be famous and have tons of money and that i would have a big happy family. Every new day lets me down again...There's been a death in the family and its my death. I'm not waving, i'm drowning. I suppose at age 15 all girls die. We feel the need to fit in and be feminized, girls who speak their minds are considered bitches. Girls that don't have sex are considered frigid and girls that do are considered sluts. Where am i supposed to turn in a society where teenage girls are not people but mass consumers. How do i be sexual without having sex? how do i be honest without hurting people's feelings, how do i be independent without leaving people behind? The drugs, the alcohol, everything...i thought it would help but it doesn't. Sure, it makes it so i don't feel that much, i don't feel all the pain, i don't hear what people say about me. But then again i do hear them, i hear them call me a slut, i feel the pain of being hurt by people that love me, i feel the pain of knowing i let my friends down. Robin keeps on lecturing me, i'm not sure if she's trying to make me feel better or worse because although she says i'm better than this, this thing that i have become. I know its not true. I am me, i am what they call me. I am a bitch- I speak my mind i won't ever stop, I am a slut- I enjoy sex but no i won't tell you every detail of it, so go ahead and assume what you like. I am a druggie-they make me more open and i'm not changing for anyone.

Texas's grandparents wanted to meet me, they asked me over for supper and i really wanted to go and i wanted to meet them and get closer to the people that he loves but my mom said no. She said i'm making her suspicious about my intentions. I'm not allowed to date you see, but if my mom only knew half the shit thats gone on with me, it would blow her away. I can't wait until monday, thats the light at the end of my tunnel and it may not be a bright light but its good enough for me. If i stay at my house any longer i know i'll end up either killing myself or beating the fuck out of my mom or brother, so its safer for me to just leave.

R. is particulary confusing to me at this moment. She's my best friend, we're running away together but she's making me doubt things in my life. She was singing her praises about Texas after she phoned and asked what his intentions for her best friend were. I phoned her and she was saying that i should go for it and that he really did care and now she's back to saying that he's only trying to get in my pants. I don't know what to think, i know that they were friends long before he and i had ever met but all the things he says to me sound so sincere and i just wish R. would let me make up my mind. If i get hurt its fine, its not like its never happened before.

2:51 p.m. - 2002-01-04