I am so lonely...i dont care if that sounds pathetic because i actually am.I mean i guess i have no reason to be since i've got a nice boyfriend and great friends but still i cant help but feel lonely. I keep thinking about everything i could have had but didnt because i went too fast. I know everyone has that somebody thats meant for them but if i do i think i went through him already and i was just caught up in looking for the right one and got blind sighted. Theres been so many in the past 2 years that i can not even remember some of the names of the people i've dated.I'm only 15 years old and its already gotten to that point and i dont have the desire to stop even though it feels like i should. Something in me is telling me to keep on doing it.
I've been off weed for 3 days now, i know its not a long time but to a stoner like me its seems like ages. I am smoking more often now but i could never quit both at the same time or i'd be flipping out. I havent drinken since the incident at school that i would love to forget about but which is probably something i should remember as a turning point in that area of my life.I havent had sex since january 7th but thats not going to last for long since i like the guy i'm with right now.
I was talking to M. yesterday and i told him we can't be friends. He asked why and i told him because it was too hard and i just kept on saying all this other bullshit trying to get away from the real reason why we cant be friends.Then he asked me point blank if i was still in love with him and the only weakness i have with getting away with lying is if someone asks me point blank so i told him i did and at that second i started crying and could not stop until an hour later and even then it was really hard to stop crying, i had to lock myself up in the bathroom and turn on the water so my mom wouldnt hear me.I love him so much and the fact that we cant be together hurts me more than he will ever know because i cant even explain it to myself.I dont know...maybe it was just this image i had of us that was shattered or maybe it was something real...either way i ended it.
My mom knows that i'm moving out when i'm 16 and she will not get over it and she keeps on freaking out, she told my stepdad and we were talking and he asked me if i would like my dad in my life and i said no and he asked if i would like him in my life and i said yes. I dont know why but i feel more love for him than i do my mom and my real dad.I'm still moving out though, i've got people to move in with and rent is cheap so its going to be good.
Natalie Imbruglia
Wrong Impression
Calling out, calling out
Haven't you wondered
Why I'm always alone
When you're in my dreams
Calling out, calling out
Haven't you wondered
Why you're finding it hard
Just looking at me
I want you
But I want you to understand
I leave you
I love you
Didn't want to leave you
With the wrong impression
Didn't want to leave you
With my last confession
Of love
Wasn't trying to pull you
In the wrong direction
All I wanna do is try and
Make a connection
Of love
Falling out, falling out
Haven't you wondered
If this was ever more
Than a crazy idea
Falling out, falling out
Haven't you wondered
What we could've been
If you'd only let me in
I want you
But I want you to understand
I miss you
I love you
Didn't want to leave you
With the wrong impression
Didn't want to leave you
With my last confession
Of love
Wasn't trying to pull you
In the wrong direction
All I wanna do is try and
Make a connection
Of love
I need you
I love you
11:29 p.m. - 2002-03-08
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