And i really really care

S. and I got drunk at a party last weekend. It was pretty good and i was just starting to mingle with people when S. and some other people decided to leave. By that time i was totally drunk and wanting to stay and meet more people but if i had stayed S. would have left me and i wouldnt have had a place to go. Also i didnt want to not be with S. So we left and went to boston pizza's and then a friend of ours drove us to a motel where we stayed the night. Sterling says that we had quite a bit of sex but i dont remember much of it because i kept on passing in and out of sleep. I should have started drinking more when i felt myself getting tired at BP's but oh well.Now i know i said i was trying to stay clean and honestly i had been doing very good. I hadnt done any drugs or gotten drunk for almost 6 months and thats the longest i have been clean in a long time but sometimes you have to give yourself a little leeway. Which is what i did, I dont feel bad and i dont feel as though i made a wrong decision because i dont go out and get drunk everyday now because i got drunk one weekend. I like drinking and if i continue to do it once in a while i dont mind and i dont really care what people say about it.

I went to Easter Dinner with S. and his family and while it was fun i did feel out of place. I'm not family and i think i maybe should have spent it with my family but i wanted a change and that is what i got. I knew almost everyone there anyways but there are just times where you feel like you are all alone and that was what it felt like to me. I went to earls after that and everyone kept on asking me where my other half was. I guess they found it odd to not see S. and I together. It was fun though, Thaniel and Josh kept me company. So i wasnt all alone while waiting for my mother to pick me up.

Now, i've been feeling a bit odd lately. I'm not sure how to explain it but i feel like i'm not loved. That certain people dont want me around.It hurts to think the person you have put your whole energy into might not love you the way he did before.That he might not find you attractive and that he might not want you to be with him or hug him and show him how much you love him.

1:50 p.m. - 2003-04-21