Crying out for help but nobody wants to hear

Theres a thin line between love and hate and sometimes i think he hates me more often than love but doesnt know it. The tiniest things i do seem to annoy him and it seems that i have to walk on eggshells when around him so that i dont make him mad. Sometimes i wonder if we would be better off apart. Sometimes i wonder how much longer it will last, how soon the fights will be the only thing we have left...and there is no love. I always seem to be apologizing lately and i'm not the kind of person that likes to be the one to be phoning and apologizing. If i dont phone, will he call me?

I've changed myself so much to make him happy but what happens when you dont even feel like yourself anymore. What happens when you have lost your identity, your whole place in this world, and you dont know how you can find it. Do you build one accordingly to what people want you to be? Well i'm sorry but i cant be what people want me to be.I dont know how to make her happy, i dont know how to make him happy.

We have these plans to move to calgary, and i try to tell myself that once we live together everything will be different. That we wont fight as much, that we'll be happy but what if its not true.What if i end up losing him and losing my heart at the same time. Nothing will ever be the same and i have no ones shoulder to cry on. Every time i bring up anything to him about his attitude he tunes me out and asks me if i'm done. I dont feel like he respects me at all and i know that sometimes i dont listen to him when he tells me to stop talking about things he doesnt want to hear about but i think thats because i have no female friends that i can talk to those kinds of things about.So i try to talk to S. about them and then we just end up fighting. I'm always scared that anything i say or do will end up with us fighting and thats not the way i want our relationship to be...thats not how i want to feel.

4:43 p.m. - 2003-05-13