Emotional rollercoaster

*To this day you can still take my breath away with the words you say* All i have are the pictures of him on the internet. All i have are the emails he wrote me. Thats all and its not enough, I want to hold him.I want to feel him.

"You want to make money, you want to make it fast.Tell me, can you roll with the big boys?"

I'm sick of trying to make money the old fashioned, work your ass off way. Sure its the best way to do it but when i can make a couple grand just like that, why the hell wouldnt i? Money dangled in my face, danger such a seduction.I want money and i'm not willing to wait to get it, so what i do to get money from now on will be my business.

So i cant see S., i have to stop acting like its the end of the world. While i'm not seeing him i'll be trying to make money so that i can live with him sooner.That should help but i still cant help being depressed that i have to go this long without seeing him...especially since i used to see him everyday.I mean sure i could meet him downtown or something but i would hate only being able to see him for a couple of hours and then leaving, it would just make me feel empty. I feel empty already. I always feel this way when i'm not with him.I dont have a job though so how the hell could i have expected to have moved out by march? I guess it was just wishful thinking.

After the whole shower incident i decided to write his mom an email apologizing. I know we fucked up, i'm not going to say we didnt or try to make up excuses anymore. Because its plain and simple. WE FUCKED UP.We shouldnt have done it and we disregarded the fact that she could come home and be in total disgust. I mean really? What parent really wants to know that their kid is having sex...none i would think. Except for some of my family members but thats because they already know, which is why i'm on birth control and why they have bought condoms for me.

This whole situation is just so stressful sometimes. Lots of times it makes me physically ill because i have to think about it since i have nothing to keep my mind off of it. But thank goodness my brother told me that theres some all ages dance going on tomorrow.I might go if i can get the money to get in. Lets hope so...because i need to do something that makes me happy. Dancing does exactly that, its the only time i can feel completely free and comfortable in my body. With the music banging through my head and my hips swaying to the beats. Dancing is complete ecstasy at times and my own personal therapy besides writing.

12:37 a.m. - 2003-02-27