So i spent the weekend at S's and it was fine, i felt rejected a few times but i suppose thats what happens once in a while.He said that i like it when guys flirt with me. No question in his voice for me to respond to so i just turned away and took his hand off of me.I want to say that i dont give a shit if he thinks i like it or not. But to tell the truth it hurts that he thinks about me like that. I dont care if guys flirt with me, if they take it any further i can handle it myself quite well, i used to fight with my brothers all the time and they sure didnt care that i was a girl or that i was their sister. I learned to be mean when needed, although it isnt being mean to solve your problem the only way you know how when someone steps over the line. I have this line that turns into a circle and its all around me and when i dont want someone to cross it, they wont. In my thinking i can deal with shit myself without having to always have my man do it for me. Thats the end of the story and there is nothing more to it.
I was talking with this girl from work named Rachel. She is friends with this guy named Chris who was R's ex-boyfriend and we had become friends for awhile until he ran away to Calgary. Now i have his number though and i am planning on calling him soon. He was a really nice and supportive guy and i enjoyed talking to him and would like to be able to be friends with him again. He took R's death quite bad, as i think most people did but i would really love to talk to him about her and see what he saw and not just what i saw.
Then this afternoon I was getting for work and S was getting ready to go out with his friends Ally and Amy. Now i know this may sound stupid to some but i honestly do not enjoy seeing my boyfriend getting dressed up for not just one but two other girls. It made me mad and i mean shit, he even polished his goddamn shoes. I got to work and i was still quite bitchy but my friend Stef was working and she can always cheer me up. I told her the situation and asked her if she thought it was dumb and she told me she completely understood where i was coming from. That girl seems to be the one to make me actually smile besides S. Since R's death i havent been willing to let anybody get too close to me but the feeling of just opening up to someone is amazing and i'm glad i can find that with Stef.
Our residential managers were at my work today and will be for probably the next two days. I didnt realize how uptight the managers would be when they were there but i realized as soon as i walked in the door. Everything had to be perfect. Now normally i am allowed to wear my hair down when its curly because it touches my shoulders. Thats against regulation so i had to wear my hair up today, we had to make sure we opened the door for every guest leaving or coming in and i had to stay longer than i usually do because apparently you are supposed to have a host on until actual closing time. I can not wait until they leave! Then everything can go back to normal.
Anyways i'm talking to my friend K and to tell you the truth although i have never met him i feel like he sees me for the real me and doesnt misconstrue the words i say, i like having the comfort of knowing that someone...gets it.
On another note. I am in love with S. and i cannot imagine myself without him. I'm such a sap.
out of me
(soft instrumental intro, then rockin')
no no no no no no no no no no no no
no more
it's gonna be sudden
it's gonna be strange
i'm gonna turn on a dime
give you 5 cents change
it's gonna be long
overdue
it's all gonna come out
out of me, on to you
out of me
on to you
one of these days you're gonna push too hard
we'll go on like we've always done
till you go too far
one of these days it's gonna reach the top
then it's gonna start to spill
and it's not gonna stop
out of me
on to you...
no more
some people wear their smile like a disguise
those people who smile a lot watch the eyes
i know cause i'm like that a lot
you think everything's okay
it is till it's not
out of me
on to you...
no more
some people wear their heart up on their sleave
i wear mine underneath my right pant leg strapped to my boot
don't think cause i'm easy i'm naive
don't think i won't pull it out
don't think i won't shoot
out of me
on to you...
no more
most people like to talk a lot
including you
you know there isn't much i have to say
that i wouldn't rather just shut up and do
i'm gonna miss you when you're gone
i'm gonna be torn
just remember that i love you
just remember you were warned
out of me
on to you...
no more
no more.
1:08 a.m. - 2003-06-10
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