I'll kick you time to time but i'll love you in the meantime

Problems arise and problems fall and no matter how weak i think i am i always seem to make it through. My own self doubts, my own issues with myself get proved wrong. Yet i still feel as though i am weak. I've started on anti-depressants, the side affects at first were horrendous...nose bleeds, stomach aches, migraines, loss of appetite combined with the fact that i was already suffering from a long term cold it was all too much. I stayed in bed for days not getting up except to do my schoolwork.The one thing that was good was that i started to feel better somehow...i suppose the medication is working, my moods are leveling out but my energy level keeps fluctuating from very high to me needing to sleep all the time. For my low energy days i have caffeine pills which wake me right up. My relationship with my mom is still rocky but its getting a little better as long as my step dad is with us. We went to the mall yesterday, my mom, my step dad, and two of my brothers. It was fun...my step dad can make anything fun when hes in a good mood. Its funny the way hes so protective of me but laughs at the fact that its gangsta type guys that are always checking me out. Hes taking me to the mall today and usually he doesnt let me wear certain clothes that he feels are hoochie clothes but yesterday he said that as long as i'm with him i can wear anything i want, that includes bootie shorts and bra top. Hes lightening up in some areas.My ex called me from Ontario to tell me how much he loves and misses me. His daughter who they call little Talia because she has the same bad temper as me is learning her first words and i'm so proud of her. The thing is i've been surrounded by so many people that have babies that i am now longing for one yet again.I know i'll change my mind soon enough but at this point in time i want a baby. M. and I are fine again, it seems that no matter how much we fight the love is still there...we were talking though and i realized i always end up hurting him. I told him that maybe i was just an addiction for him, he denied that but i still feel like that might have something to do with it. I met this guy named T. he is so sexy and hes 19 but hes a stoner and he doesnt have a job but he definitely likes the way i dance, lol. Lately i've been having these disturbing dreams...they scare the hell out of me and one of them when i woke up i almost started crying because it was so strange. I'm not sure what all these sudden dreams are brought on by but i am determined to find out the meanings of them.I talked to a few of my old friends and one of them told me that this guy that i used to hang out with had a thing for me but now that i'm not in school he likes one of my friends. It sucks but i dont suppose i need anymore guys in my life, well at least not in a sexual way. I have enough guy troubles as it is.

The Real Fairy Tale

Its like a fairy tale story

where everyone dies in the end

and the queen is the one

thats left to pick up the pieces

The king has left the kingdom

and ran away with the servant girl

The princess is lying there

cutting herself on the bedroom floor

no one takes notice of the little prince

as he kills the peasants animals

and the whole town is shook

by the royal family's ability to ignore the obvious.

You've never heard a fairy tale

quite like this, but this is real life

and its definitely a bitch.

Glory

I touched your hand and you pulled away

the disgust on your face told me to wait for another day. I hurt you again like i said i never would.I just cant seem to help myself. These boys just taste so good. I take them one by one and i tell you of my glories. I never mean to hurt you but i just love telling all my stories. Our love is a never ending battle of you versus me. You always seem to be the one whos always on their knees. I could be called a bad girl, I could be called a queen, i could be called almost anything, dont make the mistake of taking my shit, like you always seem to do.One of these days my wildness will be the death of you.

11:24 a.m. - 2002-05-02