I've been grounded for the past few weeks, hard to write on here when i can't get away from my mom. I talked to B. and i told him instead of me moving with him that he should live with me. He asked me why and i told him it was because i liked him. Surprisingly enough, he told me that he's had a thing for me for the past few months. They always have a "thing" for me but that "thing" always seems to leave once they get me. I like him so much but i can feel myself pulling away once again. As usual my own instabilities, my own low self-esteem is getting in the way. If i believed in soul mates, i must have gone through them all. All my old friends are involved in gangs, they seem to be causing them a lot of problems, i'm fine though because i'm not in one, but they will protect me if i get hurt. The thing is i don't really respect them, i respect the tightness of their group but i don't respect the things they do. I went to a christian camp, strange it was since i'm a bisexual Satanist. They knew that also and they didn't try to preach. They actually seemed genuinely interested in what i had to say. It was a eye-opening experience. My best friend, who once told me that she would remain a virgin until marriage is now going the completely opposite way. After two days of going out with some guy she decided she was ready to have sex, yet again she stopped at the last second, i guess i have to applaud her on that. I am having tons of problems with my mom and i am doing horrible in school. I'm actually ashamed at how bad i am doing and maybe that shows that i am changing. I was supposed to run away soon, i don't think i'll go through with it though...we'll see. I went to my psychiatrist, he decided to put me on some anti-depressants, he said it isn't for depression but to help me with my anxiety and attention problems, he also insisted that i enroll in some anger management courses. I trust him so i suppose i'm just going to do that. I also started writing my poetry on thestarlitecafe.com. I have to recommend that website, one of the best poetry websites you can find. I seem to be sinking into my sadness again, and i want to reach out and touch someone, but i always find that there is no one there to touch. I never knew that one person could be so surrounded by friends and family but still feel alone. It's worse than death.
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