put some lipstick on, at least your lies will be pretty

I'll pretend that i want you for whats on the inside but when i get inside I'll just want to get out

Tonight i was reminded of what it was like to not have someone to care and love and be there for you. Tonight i cried and i didnt care. Fireworks are beautiful and breathtaking and so sad when you are alone. Its something to experience with someone you love and all those couples who were hugging and laughing and being altogether happy as myself and a girl named Val stood off to the side, made me want to be able to experience the same thing they were. But i was alone as i sometimes am.As i alot of the time feel.Happy couples make me so fucking angry. Its not that i'm unhappy in my relationship its just that its not that new romance thing anymore. Sometimes i feel like we fight more than we show love to each other, sometimes i wonder if our relationship is too sexual and sometimes i wonder if thats what he was into in the first place. Tonight i wanted to write him a letter expressing all my love for him, so i went online got on my email and saw that he had emailed. I was thinking it was going to be a i miss you and love you sort of thing but to my disappointmentit was an email asking for his hoodie and his knife back.*sighs* The way he brings things up over and over just aggravates me so, i dont know why. Maybe its because i know how much money i owe him and i know what stuff i have of his yet he insists on telling me over and over. Well i'm sorry but saying it over and over isnt going to make me go any fucking faster. I mean i ask him for my stuff back sometimes but only when i need it for the next day and i dont do it repeatedly, like my hair straightener for example, i asked him to check if it was at his house. I did that once and didnt ask again and he hasnt mentioned it, am i going to badger him about it, no.

Then theres my fucking family who will not stop badgering me about being thin. They say i'm too small and that my ass is smaller now and that i almost look anorexic.Yes i am thin and no i didnt get this way by eating but when i am eating more now dont fucking tell me i'm so thin. I'm trying to gain weight and its not because of you, its because i want to know that i can control something in my fucking life.115lbs is the perfect weight, just leave me the fuck alone about it. I'm sorry that none of you can look like this.

That was just my rant of the day. To tell you the truth i'm not really angry. I'm just lonely and depressed.Theres no sugercoating to this empty feeling i have and theres no way to heal what i have inside me.

I have found that all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away again

3:17 a.m. - 2003-07-02