Much has went on since i last wrote.First things first...M. broke up with me...i cant be sure of why but i'm pretty sure its because i've hurt him too many times. I dont think anyone could ever understand how much it hurts...even though i've had all these doubts and everything i guess the saying is true, " You never know what you got till its gone" I went through my phase of crying my heart out. Telling anyone who tried to comfort me that i didnt know what to do without him and when they said its okay i answered with tears running down my cheeks, not even bothering to hide them as i usually do, that i loved him with all my heart. It seems as though everything i love always leaves and every single time it is my fault.There is something wrong with me...to cause so much pain and suffering in my life and the life of others. I feel like such a failure, who loves me? Can't just one person stay with me after they tell me they love me. I know i'm hard to handle, i know i have problems, i am not going to lie...but do they always have to leave? M. wrote a song that i thought was beautiful so i'm going to put it in here and to give him credit at the end of this entry i will leave his web address at the end of this entry.
She'll bring you down
Without knowing she said a word
Drive you crazy
She thinks you never heard
Will make you fall
Till you hit your death bed...
Should've known I was no good
Should've seen there was no love
Shoulda been someone else
Just to see you happy...
She'll never trust you
She means your life
She drop dead dies for you
You can taste your own blood
Sacrifice everything for you
But you end up killing yourself...
Should've known I was no good
Should've seen there was no love
Shoulda been someone else
Just to see you happy...
Maybe i was blind
Seemed i could never find
What I thoghut was right infront of me...
Staring me in the eyes (open up your eyes)
Just wanna see her smile...
Taste her lips...
Hear her sweet voice...
See you happy.
...beautiful is it not. That is the words of the person that brought me happiness and that i had to hurt all the time. It may seem mean what i am about to say but its true. He was like a dog, you kick him and he comes right back to you. This time though the dog ran away and will never be back.
I am talking to my ex boyfriend B. He just confessed that he loves me but he cant trust me. I seem to have that problem with everyone. He has a girlfriend and he loves her too. So i am once again left out of the loop. What to do, what to do?
I hate crying. It is such a fucking weakness..yet i have cried over M. every night since he broke up with me. I hate him. No that was a lie...i could never hate him...i hate that he seems to be the only person that can make me cry besides myself. I have to stop crying...its not like its going to bring him back.I am so weak and somehow everyone views me as strong. Are they fucking crazy?
S. is depressed...she is sick of life and so she and i decided that we set a date and if life is not better by that date that we pull each others triggers.Its murder times 2 and both of us will have wanted. What a sweet thing.Ben is trying to talk me out of it, saying that he will kill himself if i kill myself and to think of it now i dont want to have caused him to die.
I met this girl. Her name is T.and i am falling in love with her. Shes 19 and the sweetest person ever and she has gone through the same kind of shit i have. We're going to take it slow though because she has been hurt in the past...and she doesnt want to get hurt and i honestly do not want to hurt her.She brings a sense of uncontrollable loving in my life and i enjoy it. Lets just hope she doesnt end up leaving.
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