A tear down the side of her cheek

S. thinks i'm rude. All because of me saying that i didnt want to hear about him and H. talking. I have nothing against H., dont get me wrong. But every time he talks about missing H. or talking to her and whatnot it reminds me of how i was always worried and how they always talked about having crushes on each other and the whole cuddling thing. I'm sorry but i dont want to go back to remembering all that because i'm friends with H. now and i dont want that same old bullshit. Its my own problem but i mean he doesnt have to talk to me about H. I tried to explain but he wasnt getting it so i just gave up.So i'm talking to B. and he's saying that i should just stop taking all the bullshit and leave him alone.I know hes looking out for my best interest and he doesnt like hearing me crying over someone i love on the phone and all...but all i know is that love isnt love until you cry. And i love S. too much to give him up. I dont know what i would do if i didnt have him. I'm insecure thats my problem, i shouldnt bring it up to S. But then he says something about how he listens to me when i talk about who i want to fuck or whatever and who i want to spend the night with and i have no idea what the fuck he is talking about but i sit there and take it because i dont know what to say. I dont want to fight...but i dont want to cry either and i dont want to hear things that will hurt me. If S. told me not to talk about things, i would. He just hasnt yet and the fact that i did is why he thinks i'm rude.

Ben suggested that i go live with him in mornville. On the condition that i do schooling because he wants me to graduate and do everything i ever dreamed of. Its a place to live, he can get me a job but i dont think i'm going to. Not because i dont jump at the chance but because i still have dreams of living with S. although apparently he thinks i'm taking it too fast which is what he told my sister. I'm so confused and i dont know what to do...and another night comes where i will cry myself to sleep and wish that i had someone elses life.

1:19 a.m. - 2003-02-28