Losing Control

I'm on the verge of a relapse. Bringing it back to the way i used to be...never drug-free. And at this point i could care less. I am in need of a drug renewal and i have my hook-up already. I came back from S's early, he double-booked his friend ally and me, so here i am.

Talked to B...told him that S. thinks he has a crush on me, he told me to tell S. that if he did he would have been trying harder to see me. S. doesnt want me to talk about B. He says that there is a double standard in our relationship...because i tell him not to talk about H. and I dont pay attention when he tells me not to talk about B. So i just give up...fine i wont tell him anything about him. Even though he is a big part of my life most of the time. S. was saying how i never tell him about my feelings, of course not. We always end up fighting after. Plus if i opened up my mouth every time I had a problem...it would never shut. This weekend i saw him...it sucked pretty much. There was the okay times but i'm not getting the greatest vibe. Maybe its just me.

I'm going to Jills house on Friday. Thats the day i relapse and i know its going to be true. I dont care though...i dont care. I'm sick of trying to stay clean. I wanted to be clean for S. and i tried for so long. But i feel the urge again and if it happens i dont think i'll be able to stop it.I'm low..and i dont know how to pick myself back up. I just want to self-destruct.

7:15 p.m. - 2003-03-02