As it turns out, i was completely correct...she had called because while i had been visiting her she had read my diary and she was worried about me...i am so fucking mad right now it's not even funny. I could just kill her and thats a pretty mean thing to say about a grandma but its true.
She didn't go into further detail but my mom did when she got home. Apparently my grandma had read things about me doing sexual things with a guy that is very close to our family, and she also read about my bisexuality, which is very bad because i haven't told my family.
My mother decided to stay calm but tell me that i had no right writing about these things at my age, although at my age these things just seem natural. So I told her it was my poetry and of course she does not believe me but i will deny everything to the end...
they don't have a right to know unless i want them to. I'm not doing things that can harm me, and i don't want my bisexuality becoming a part of one of the problems that occur in my meaningless life.
Even at this point i was thinking about just killing myself so i didn't have to stand up to them, but i decided to just ignore it. I'm on bad terms with my mother anyway and i have no problem being on bad terms with my grandma...i just can't wait until i get out of this place.
Sometimes i dream of a place where i can be what i want to be and do what i want to do, but that place seems so far away and sometimes i feel like maybe i'm stuck in this void of a life for eternity, maybe this is my hell.
8:25 p.m. - 2001-09-13
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