You are what i despise, you are me

I'm home now, it seems like i've been gone for eternity. I had a wonderful time at robins house...we went to the liquor store to get some vodka, we were waiting for so long and it was freezing but we had our minds set on drinking that night. Finally some guys got their friend to go in but instead of vodka she got beer, which we all hate...so she was telling us to give her the money and her friends told her to shut up because it was free since she fucked it up. So we took our beer back to R's and we had chugging contests, I won those! H. won the shots contest...and V. and R. drank their fair share too. We were so fucked up and we made such a magnificent mess of her house, there was popcorn and beer stains and clothes all thrown around. Then the next night robin and I went to the mall and hung out with the mall rats and waited for them to buy us vodka. I met this guy named Spaz and we made out, he's 22 years old and he has an ex-wife and a daughter, i'm not sure if he knew how old i was. Even if he did i don't think it would matter much to him. Hes a drug addict but hes not as bad as he used to be. Then this guy was going to pay me and R. $100 to dyke out together at some hotel party, we politely declined. When R. and i got home we started doing shots, R stopped and she was totally sober while i was drunk and crying and rambling on about how i was such a slut and how i didn't want to break up with B. and how that same night that we broke up i had decided not to break up with him. It was insanity but its interesting how you can be so drunk or high but you understand things with so much more clarity. R. says she's worried about me, and M. says that i'm destroying myself, he was mad at me...i don't know if he still is. I don't mean to fuck up but i like doing drugs and drinking, it takes me out of this harsh reality and puts me in a place where i am free to do as i please and be who i want. I live my life waiting for the next time i do drugs, or drink, or pop some pills. I live my life on a high, either i'm drunk, or high all the time. R. was mad at me because i wanted to have sex with her friend Texas and his friend Danny, she says that i'm worth more than that...i told her i just wanted a one night stand...and whatever else happens happens. I know these guys are just in it for the sex, but you know what i don't care. Why? because for that moment in time when i am in a guys arms i feel like someone actually cares, and i know i'm fooling myself but i am so far gone now that i don't give a fuck.It has come to this...this image i have painted that is me. I can't change...no its not that i can't it's that i won't. I know i'm destroying myself, but i won't stop until its all gone. All the pain, all the tears, all the depression. I haven't cut myself in four months i made a promise to people that i would stop, but tonight i broke that promise. I cut myself 9 more times, 9 more scars to come, souvenirs that can't be lost. It was such a sweet release from all the anger and torment i have been feeling lately. I think it might be better than drugs, maybe even better than sex.

Underground Girl

Shes an underground girl

In a underground world

She never comes around

She stays underground

Ask her whats her trip

She bites her lip

She's the coolest girl around

The girl from underground

She's the one thats always right

She's the one that gets uptight

Ask her how she's been

She'll give you some skin

hey now everybody from all over town

Hey now everybody gonna go underground

For everybody wants to be inside

Well shes gonna take everybody for a ride

Your the coolest girl around

She's the girl from underground

For i don't brag

But i'm no dag

As she's from

She's always playing dumb

Well hey now everybody from all over town

Well hey now everybody gotta go underground

Well hey now everybody don't want to be inside

Well hey shes gonna take everybody for a ride

She's the coolest girl around

She's the girl from underground

You can beat her with a whip

She'll just think its hip

You can see her at night

Never in the light

Well hey now everybody don't fall down

Well hey now everybody gotta go underground

Well hey now everybody don't wanna be inside

Well hey now shes gonna take everybody for a ride

12:16 a.m. - 2002-01-01