baby dont cry, keep your head up. Never give up

I think i'm too forgiving, i give out way too many chances to people who dont even forgive them. I guess i'm just always thinking they arent as bad as they seem...that they just make mistakes. Then they turn out to be exactly the opposite of what i would have liked them to be. Sometimes i feel like i can change them, but i realize now that i cant change anyone. The only person i can change is myself...and i cant even seem to do that. I feel so worthless sometimes...I felt like cutting myself today. I'm not sure why. It just seemed to pop into my head, "Find a knife and cut." And last night i had a dream that i relapsed on E and i was just downing pill after pill and then all i could see was red. It was such a weird dream and it was one of those dreams that felt like it was really happening.

I've been thinking of shutting my diary down but every time i think about it, 10 minutes later i know i cant. It means too much to me. Its just that i'm not liking the idea of people who know me reading it, and not telling me they are. It bothers me to no end because if they hate me or something they could just tell everyone about what i've done...I lay out my life in this diary. None of it is censored and its all me. I dont want to lose that, but i also dont want it to become something that people can use against me.

I hate being paranoid. Its such a useless thing and the things i'm paranoid about i have been assured plenty of times i dont need to worry about. 1. I always think S. will end up leaving me for someone else 2. I always think some chick will be able to get him to cheat on me. 3 That he'll just fall out of love with me. I cant seem to just let it all go and be happy. Its always there in the back of my mind and when we fight i take it to the heart because i think one of those 3 things will happen. Will somebody please tell me why i am so fucked up?????? Because i really dont know.

12:40 a.m. - 2003-03-21