Choking on my own words

Sitting in a dark theatre with your hand on my leg, tears welling up in my eyes for some unknown reason. Saying nothing is wrong when you ask me why I am sad. I say nothing...my stomach hurts.My stomach does hurt this time, i wasnt lying. My feelings hurt also. Not paying attention to the movie because thoughts are flowing through my mind too fast. Wanting to hold your hand but restraining myself...not sure of why.Head on your shoulder because you pulled me close, leg shaking in a wild frenzy. Hands stuck into pockets, tightly placed under my legs, stroking my hair, cracking my fingers. Anything to get my mind off of the thought of you and your ex. Trying to block out the conversation just before we entered the movie. Trying not to think about you saying she gave the best handjobs. I dont want to know, i dont want to hear,I dont want to think about you and her together so why tell me? Stomach aching more, we go for coffee and food...my mind is elsewhere but i try to keep the conversation flowing. Me saying that i had planned on having sex with you before we did, you saying that you hadnt. Trying to figure out whos fault it was. Listening to you tell me that you tell your friends about our sex life, me wondering why. Not caring really but acting like it was a big deal...because thats what i guess normal girls would do? Me asking you for a hug and you saying no because we were in a restaurant.You leaving and coming back and trying to give me a hug. I say i'm not in the mood, copying your words. We're in a restaurant, we're in a restaurant. You walking ahead of me, me trying to keep up. You slowing down, offering me a smoke and I dont take it. You asking what i would do if i had a limitless amount of money, me saying i'd save it and spend it on my kids. Me saying i dont want kids. You saying i'd be a good mother. More talk about how i dont want to turn into my parents. Back at your house, we talk about finding an apartment, maybe paying rent to your mom until we have enough to move out. Us cuddling...and you telling me that you just want to hold me. You saying you love me. Me leaving, coming home and i'm still sad. Knowing you'll be with the girl on friday night. Thinking about you saying that you want to see *her* and i have sex with each other. You werent kidding. G. telling me that you better be careful. Its worth all the pain to be with you. My stomach still hurts.

12:03 a.m. - 2003-02-07