Its been a rough little while inside this mind of mine. Thinking about God and wondering, why do i not believe in him? Thinking about S. and wondering, why do i not trust in him? Wondering why i came here in the first place. Then i realize the answer, because S. wanted me to. He's done so much for me, yet i do not know if he is lying to me when he says he loves me as much as he does. I mean love is just a word. Its in your actions that it truly is real. I know S's first love was Charm and when he says he doesnt love her still i have to laugh a little inside. You dont just stop loving the one person you ever had that feeling for. He told me that he cut off all ties to her, but somehow i do not believe him. Maybe i am just paranoid or maybe i am right and he lied to me. I dont know which i would rather be true. To know that the person i love lied to me about something like that...or to just be paranoid.If he did lie to me it would hurt even more because i broke off all my relationships with ex's just because he did it with Charm and i didnt want him to feel any jealousy. But, if he lied to me then i lost some beautiful friendships that i would have much rather kept. I wish i could just have a heart to heart with him and express every single thing i feel. But i dont feel i can. Not because i dont love him enough to but because i dont trust him enough to tell me the truth to the things i want to know.
1:45 p.m. - 2003-09-13
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