I wanted to destroy something beautiful

The plot thickens. I swear to god i have way too many problems. First of all the whole thing with B., well we were talking yesterday and he wanted to three-way my friend, so i did. She then proceeded to tell him that i cheated on him with her and her boyfriend and her boyfriends brother. I didn't know what to say because all the stuff i felt like saying was too deep too say while she was on the phone. I feel like the worst person in the world and its not only the fact that i did something like that to a person, but the thing that hurts me the most is that he doesn't care. He doesn't care that i cheated on him and he told me that and he told my best friend that. I mean really how much was i worth then? I had to get off the phone and i phoned my best friend today and she said " Yeah, me and B. talked for hours last night" and i was like okay, thats cool, and then i asked what they talked about, and she says " I can't tell you that, we promised whatever we talked about we wouldn't tell anyone else. Now i'm fine with that but the fact that me and him couldn't even have a conversation for more than 1 hour, and someone that he barely knows can get him to talk for hours.I'm going to break up with him. I think it is the right thing to do.

~steal me, deal me, anyway you heal me. Maim me, tame me, you can never change me. Love me, like me, go ahead and fight me. Please me, tease me, go ahead and leave me.~

Then there's M. I love him so much and in my earlier diary entry i said something like the "i love you" stuff was all junk. He emailed me, the heading was it may be junk to you, but its real to me, and as soon as i saw that, i knew i had said something wrong. I didn't mean to say that it was junk, because its not. I love him with all my heart and i feel like right now hes the only person i do love. When i read his email i couldn't help myself from crying...because every time i find someone who means something to me i end up finding a way to hurt them.

~There's no hope in you for me but i've got all the time for you love. The space between that drives me to cry as the laughter keeps us coming back for more~

Mare told Claire, (Frenchy's girlfriend)that i was trying to steal him away. She doesn't believe Mare and all but it really pissed me off. So at lunch time today i bitched her out and i swear i would have backhanded her if not for the teacher telling us to walk away from each other. Of course everyone is on my side since they know what a liar Mare is. That's not the point though, i don't need my name being shitted on like that.

~My teenage angst bullshit now has a body count~

Then theres R., my best friend who i love with all my heart, but i feel like sometimes she doesn't know who i am or what i'm feeling, i mean i can't tell her things because i'm scared that she will judge me,i don't know i think i'm just being paranoid or something.

~I think i'm paranoid, manipulate it. I think i'm paranoid, complicate it~

Anyways thats all my sinful truths for now.

~Flowers for romance, here the fun begins. Pennies for your thoughts and dollars for your sins.~

8:02 p.m. - 2001-12-04