Loser girl, come back from your world

Today i got sperm in my eye. Yes, thats right little spermies just swimming around in my helpless eye. Trust me those things are vicious when they get in your eye, it was bloodshot and hurt like a bitch even after i had flushed it out with water. Thank goodness after taking a quick nap it didnt hurt. S. was aiming for my mouth and i guess he overshot because it landed right in my goddamn helpless little eye! Its okay though because he felt really bad afterwards and i told him as long as i dont go blind everything is fine. I wonder if you can go blind from sperm swimming around in it. Hmm...good question. I dont think so but i sure as hell do not know everything.

On the job front, i still do not have one. I'm starting to get more and more depressed each day. First of all, i was at my moms house yesturday and she kicked me out because i was smoking in her car, she had said not to and i had completely disregarded that. It was fucking cold outside though. So i ended up going to S's house and then my mom is telling me that i cant go back to step moms. My family just loves to reject me it seems. Sure i'm a high school dropout and i dont have a job yet. That always comes back to me but you know what they arent doing that well off so they cant really think that they set a good example. Sometimes i just absolutely despise my family. Then theres the fact that everyplace a couple of months ago seemed to be needing to hire workers and now it seems like they dont need any. Honestly i'm getting sick of it. I want a job, i want something to do other than sit around and do shit all but its not looking good for me.

I'm such a loser! Ooh another thing. S. got really pissed off at me today. We were going to Staples to do some shipping for his mom and i told him i'd wait in the car.He wanted to know why and i said because i didnt want to see him oogle the shipping girl, who he thinks is cute. He then got all mad at me because i said something about him getting chicks numbers all the time. I was half kidding i guess but he was pretty pissed off. I always seem to be able to get him mad at me just like that. I hate that.I wish i wasnt so paranoid but theres times when i can see us breaking up because he cheats on me but then there are other times where i can see us living our lives together. I'm so confused. All i want is him but he think i'm trying to find a reason to break up...is my subconscious really trying to do that to me? Am i that fucked up that i cant take happiness when i get it?

1:05 a.m. - 2003-04-04