Suicide Glamour

I've been suicidal on and off for about 4 years now...and i've tried to kill myself about 5 times. They were always half-assed. Taking pills was my way to what i viewed as final peace. Then along came the night where i was serious about it. I wanted to die and i did not want anything to interfere. So i chose to go with my friend and get drunk. Already depressed and knowing that drinking wasnt going to help. We met up with some guys that were going to have a party. This party they were talking about involved us riding around in a car, music blaring and me flashing at cars driving by and sitting around topless with V. trying to get my shirt back on.(((Thank you V.))) Then we were transferred to some other guys...handed off like little sluts for them to have their fun with and not seeming to care about it a bit. The car was tiny so we were cramped in and i ended up half sitting on some guys lap. We were driven to an apartment where we were given more vodka and offered lines of coke. They said we looked like party girls and in my drunken stupor i felt that this was the night i was going to die and i wanted it. So i proceeded to take lines of coke...making a deal with the guy that if i could do as many as him that i would get a job working for him. I tell people that i did between 50-75 lines of coke...but i'm pretty sure i did way more then that. I dont know at what point i passed out and i dont know at what point V. left and they threw me into some strangers bed. But waking up in the middle of the night crying while some big guy is holding me with one arm and pulling me in towards him so i dont fall off the bed, was the way i woke up. I cried because i was hurting everywhere but i mostly cried because i hadnt died. I hadnt been able to kill myself and then i cried because this is how i could have died. In some strangers apartment drunk and high out of my mind. These were the kind of guys who probably would have just thrown me somewhere so they didnt get in trouble. And that is how i wanted to die. I think when i was younger i thought that suicide was glamorous. Does that sound glamorous to you at all? Who would want to be remembered that way?

1:50 a.m. - 2003-03-26