I would like to push him into oncoming traffic..maybe just a slight slip of the foot. I mean really, who would think me?

Its not a relationship, it's never been a relationship. It's been this sick facade that is caused by my own stupidity and a haze of addiction. So disgusting the things I did. So disgusting the person i was. So filthy i feel. Wanting to wash clean all of it. Wanting to rid myself of his disease. His sickening reach. I feel so helpless. Like his instability is invading my sense of well being. Like i'm being driven insane by his insanity. Like i myself will break. And i have. Over and over. Week after week. Moment after moment. I collapse into myself.