And frankly, i believe it was the most embarassing and worst times in my adult life. Disgraceful and disgusting. I was a shell of who i had the potential to be. This mess that i couldn't even see until looking back. I wish...i wish that i had thrown my arms in the air and maybe cried out for help a bit louder than i did. Instead of letting people think i wasn't drowning. It turns my stomach to think of the blur and all the chaos and the level i had sunk to...

Now finally...i am actively trying to make myself right. And it's incredibly hard and sometimes i make big mistakes. But i am pushing forward and i am letting myself love myself. This coming year, i'll be happy.

And it is nowhere near the same. There is an underlying current of meanness. Seemingly out of nowhere. It infests even the nicest of moments. And i beg to understand but am faced with a stoic face and a hand to swipe away my earnest pleas to just open up for a moment. I want to believe we don't need the itching and aching help of the drugs we dilute ourselves with to indulge in a moment of clarity. Yet, i am starting to realize that perhaps...we always have and things will never change. I am not okay with this. I am not at peace with this. I am not willing to settle for this.

I do not believe that i am simply not as good because i am a female. If there is any idiocy around, i would tend to believe that perhaps someone who feels it alright to speak out this way against someone they supposedly love, might be possessing it. To make a lover feel inferior is a dear crime and one that can become punishable in an assortment of ways. To point towards this...my life, my emotions, my mind and level it down to some pathetic jargon of the typical teenage girl has slowly filled me with disdain and try as i might to set this all aside and to move on..when i am the one who is left in the dark..my thoughts tend to overwhelm my sense of resignation.

I will not allow my self esteem to endure a kick to the ribs for long...not even for someone i love so dearly.

Why am i always throwing my emotions and my heart out there and never getting the same in response? It's like this neverending circle where i am always left to be fighting for what i want but feeling like lesser than. My illusions of perfection are shattered and all i am left with is this sinking feeling in my stomach and this not so nice taste in my mouth. Fuck me.

loving you...

It's as though there is always a wall placed up in front of what i am looking for, what i am needing, what i apparently don't deserve. Maybe B is right. Maybe i'm just not cut out of the right cloth. To be pushed aside, to be an afterthought...to be..on my own. I'm not doing me.
And i'm tired. Just tired. And all i was looking for was to be uplifted. what a fail.

Driving back in from the country i couldn't help but let my eyes drift to the vast amounts of forestry. And let my mind trail to thoughts of just getting out of the vehicle...and walking straight into it. Letting the darkness overwhelm every sense of my being, just get lost. Oh god i just want to be lost.

I woke up this morning after dreaming about you and i felt such a sense of calm. I can't remember what i dreamed though...and that bothers me. I can't seem to let you go. Rid you from my thoughts. What is wrong with me? The clouds and the rain and the chill set the precedent for my mood to be awful but it actually has made me feel...safe. There's a sense of foreboding there...i'm never safe for long.

And the summer fades away quickly, the leaves change their colors slowly signaling the change of seasons and the most important time in my life. As per usual. The fall is my changing month, where i make the ultimate decisions that determine where i head from that point on. This point last year i was essentially where i am now. At a major turning point and the endless decisions rise up and the worry sets in and the determination to make the right choices all run through my mind. And it's a make it or break it, heart felt or heart broken taste that is in my mouth. There is an overwhelming sense of foreboding. Dont break any bones. Dont break any bones. Slow down. Speed up. Fast track to the rest of your life. What do you want? And do you want it bad enough to give it all away? I want extraordinary, i want passionate, i want intensity running through my veins. Let's not step too carefully.

You mind yours. I'll mind mine.

"Do you think before you speak? Do you think that i can't see, that you don't care for me?"

I had you down. I knew you by heart. Caught you so many times and still i believed in the good.
i did not see this coming. I was not prepared in the very least. And my heart broke a little when it came at me the way it did. And even though i thought i was long past caring...i am still hurt. As much as i knew it was all part of a facade i didn't want to think it would be let go so easily. I didn't want to think i was that forgettable. I didn't want to cry this much over...you. And so i push forth through it all...and lay claim to my heart and patch it back up. And let it swell. Bloom. Beat. Feel. I'll never let them get the best of me.

" Find a new chick and you'll treat her real nice. Take her out on the town in the moonlight. Oh you'll both have a beautiful time...if you only had a conscience your heart would be mine."

And even though i have the man of my dreams, i can't help but wonder what was so wrong with me that the men before...just got better when i was done with them. Why i built them into better men for other girls. Why they couldn't just do it for me. Why did i get the shattered heart time and time again..to the point where i am damaged goods and have barely enough to give to the one i have now.

Why am I the one who has scars and wounds and aches that just dont heal..

I wish i could just mind mine and let you mind yours but i'm so pretty when i put the damage on.
And i don't want to be the only one who cries these tears when i'm left alone with my thoughts. I'm just broken. And i'm realizing the extent of how ripped apart i am. And i hate you all because of it. I hate you S. I hate you S. I hate you P. I hate you A. I hate all those randoms... I hate you...i hate you....i just want to be okay with myself.

And i look to the future and at times i am stalled in fear.
Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of life itself.
So i freeze.
And i forget.
And i risk nothing.
And then i spiral because if you risk nothing you gain nothing.
And the nothing kills my very spirit.
So here i will stand, legs strong, head held high, eyes looking straight ahead.
And i will push through and i will force my way through this invisible brick wall.
I will get what i want. My any means necessary.
No more procrastination.

I feel as though time is just rushing by me at a speed that i am entirely unable to keep up with.
Breathe, blink, breathe, blink...it's gone. All i want to do is reach out and grab it by the thick of its neck and say, " Stay still a moment. I need some peace." Just a moment to calm my fears, rid myself of my stresses, perhaps maybe gain a head start. Alas, i am behind. As usual. My flights of fancy swallowing me whole until i forget where i start and they end. My fingertips tracing along a lifetime of dreams not yet followed. Not yet achieved. Tracing the ridges ever so gently...feeling the cracks,the breaks, the jagged ups and slippery slopes. As my mind wonders, " When will the high last?"

"instead, let me steady myself
in the arms
of a man who won't ask me to be
what he needs, but lets me exist
as i am"

And it is this type of beauty. This type of love that draws me deeper in as though i have no cares in the world, besides the cocoon that exists between he and i. The beat of his heart, the rise and fall of my chest, the soft brush of lips on skin. Pulse against pulse, beat against beat, breath against breath, the push of it all. The slow rise of anticipation and the glorious explosion of undenied passion. It is he that i shed my skin for and lay bare and open just bones and mass waiting to be explored as if i have never had another love before. And essentially, i have not.

...it is this type of beauty that i cannot ignore.

I fall into fits of depression. They are sudden and swift and knock the sunshine out of me.
And i can't find a moment of peace. My mind is constantly and consistently running amok.
And sometimes i wish i could just be like other people, going with the flow, never questioning WHY? Because although it is okay when i am questioning why in a positive manor, when i am in a funk it makes it worse. My stomach aches, a dull twisting pain. My head feels as though it is spinning and i can't even look at the sun and smile. And because for the last while i have been such a positive person, embracing life and the beauty in it, it feels ten times worse when i am sad. I hope i snap out of this fast.

<3

As i read through this progression of my life, i see time and time again multiple testaments to love. And heartbreak. And sadness and occasionally even joy. I'm a lover, it is not easy to deny. In life i fall. In life i feel. With my entire being. There is a passion in me that will not be denied its pleasure. Even if it almost kills me. And it has been close.

And here is a new beginning. Here is my new start. I am madly in love. I am so deeply in love that i want it all and he has promised me nothing. And that is all a part of his charm. He is kind and he is handsome and he makes me feel...beautiful and whole and cared for and protected. Protected more than i have ever been in the entire history of my life. And it is so beautiful to me, that i dare not write too much right now for fear of jinking it. It is too precious to me. But i am finally perfectly content with my love life.

As for the rest of it, well that comes along with time now doesn't it? I feel as though i am at a standstill. It is either push ahead or be left behind at this interjection. And i just can't seem to push myself that extra little step. But i stay positive and i take glory in the days and the nights where my heart is warmed by the simplest things. Like the gentle breeze through the branches of a tree that is just starting its lifelong journey. The impish grin that spreads across my daughters face when she knows i am pleased with her bragger y. And the way he looks in my eyes and i just cannot look away.

This summer is my start.

10:47 p.m. - 2009-06-02

Please don't let it come back. I am falling apart at the seams. I try to hold on, so hard. And i cant help but break. I cry all day long...I can't stop the thoughts from coming in. I can't eat, i just wait for the next glass of wine to feel a little bit different. To coat the fact that my heart is broken. This IS your fault. And i tell you over and over it isn't so that you don't feel bad. But its truly your fault. I asked you. Time and time again. Are you ready? Are you ready for this? And you lied. And my heart aches each day for it to be ok. When i know it never will be.

1:27 p.m. - 2009-03-08

I hope the sound of my voice makes you sick

I'll tell you something, i really thought you were the good guy.I'll tell you something...it's all your fault.

3:26 a.m. - 2009-02-11

There's shadows in the sky. And it looks like rain

I would like to understand why the need to have everything is all consuming. And why the failures hurt less each and each time. Perhaps, i am becoming numb and have settled into complacency. Settled into the idea that no one will be able to offer me what i need and deserve...but on a whole, each and every one of them has an amazing part to offer. But sometimes i think maybe i just want that one...who will sweep me off my feet and never let me down.

2:52 a.m. - 2009-02-10

the cold queen

Stop making yourself to be the victim while pretending you think you're the bad guy. You can't manipulate the master manipulator, that is not how it works. Every thought, every action is planned to give the results that i feel are needed at the time. It's not cold. Don't think it to be. It's preparation. To have someone, sometimes they must be broken first.
I never thought that of you at first but my god, have you ever changed. All these tears won't mean much if they are displayed time and time again over the little things. I grow weary of the constant testaments to the beginning. Let things flow. Stop forcing it. Because i grow colder with each day passing and i look at you from a analyzing eye that you might not be able to withstand...don't do this to us.

1:28 p.m. - 2008-12-10

And i'm tired of all the words.

Nothing feels like my own. Everything i touch is someone else's. And i'm confined. In a home. That has turned into a prison. And i don't even know how it turned into this. I wonder when the warmth and the happiness i felt turned into a bitter shell of itself. Did it slowly slip from my hands? Or was it at a certain point in time...something that was so obvious that i decided to look over it, but that was the single thing that turned all of this into the mess it is?

In the beginning i thought it was perfect. I thought it was exactly what i needed. The person who was just like me. The male version. We were a great team, bringing out the best in each other it seemed. Everyone saw it coming. I think i even knew it before i met him. And then when i did,it was like the breath was taken out of me. I recognized what he was from the instant our eyes met. Like we knew each other in another time. Perfect. It was. It all felt right and complete.
And i thought it could never go wrong. I knew it was real, i knew it was forever, i had no doubts whatsoever.

And now this. This weariness, sadness, trying mess. Tension, dislike, jealousy, want. Want for what we had. Want for what i thought it would be. Want for the life i thought he could bring me and that i could bring him. And oh god, i just don't know what to think anymore. I don't know how to feel anymore. I just want to stop feeling so numb about it all.

1:27 p.m. - 2008-12-04

Here's to something grand

I'd like to write something artful and precise and explain everything that has happened to me within the last year. And i will. But not right now. Right now is just too...soon and too late for me to even remember everything. But i will say that i am happy...to a certain degree. And i will say that i could be happy...in every complete and single way. But again, I try to make things hard for myself. But he loves me. At least i think he does. He says he does. And i love him. With doubt sometimes. Because i like things to never be completely wonderful like it could be. But I hold him close to my heart. And i hope that i can let myself be free this time. I hope that i am not so broken by all my previous failures that i will push and push until this one breaks, just because that is what i am used to.

12:15 a.m. - 2008-11-22

and it comes undone.

i think i felt it fall. And it hurt. Honesty is always the best policy, they say. Honesty is what breaks my heart.

12:46 p.m. - 2008-03-18

And despite all the things that he does and throws in my face, i'm still happy. Despite him. I have friends i love and that love me. I have a beautiful daughter and i have the will to survive it all with a smile on my place. And i have a man who i am absolutely in love with. Despite you, life is good for me.

5:38 p.m. - 2008-03-05

Why do you do it?

And you still have the capacity to make me feel like a piece of dirt. Nothing worth anything. Useless. Pointless. Nothing. I hate the way you look at me, like i've done something wrong. I hate the way you call me seedy. I hate the way you talk about the people i hang out with. I hate that you think you have any right whatsoever to say anything about my business. I am learning to hate you.

I want you to see yourself as i see you. I want you to see what you do. I want you to see how you make me feel. I want you to choke on your condescending words. I want your approval. Still. Like i was 16 all over again.

But it's alright. I'll get over it soon. Just like i got over you.

3:45 a.m. - 2008-02-23

drunken ramblings. i know its a word

reality sucks sometimes. i'd rather live in my dreams where you are here and i am completely yours to have.

4:16 a.m. - 2008-02-17

To AD

Its like. Its like i'm just in this perpetual state of awe at how i met a guy as wonderful as you. And how you can make me feel the way you do from where you are. And how i dont even care because i just love it and you.

4:28 p.m. - 2008-02-14

Good morning buttercup

"Everything's gonna be ok if you just go away, everything's gonna be alright if you just get out of my sight."

I let my problems define me. I let you define me. Not since i was a child can i remember defining myself as just me.

Anorexic
Addict
Depressive

It's not as terrifying as i thought it would be. I know i feel like i'm losing a part of myself. But i'm not. I'm gaining my whole self. Not just these sad little components that are supposedly making up my being. I'm finally going to be my own person.

I'm happy.

1:36 a.m. - 2008-02-12

Feel the need to self destruct. You bring out the best in me. Hush the urge to cry. I walked away. I gave up. And when i'm happy, you die a little inside. Sometimes it seems so quiet. I can't stand the calm.

8:59 p.m. - 2008-01-30

---------------------------------

I never asked for it to be where it was. And now i take it away. Take a step back. Before i break. Before you break I.

2:19 a.m. - 2008-01-18

In the end, no one was there to save her

General state of discontent. Every time i think things cannot get worse, it takes over once again. It envelopes me in it's arms, every breathe an effort. Every step an effort. No careless smiles, no careless laughter. Just this. Just this, discontent. That breaths into me and fills me to the edge.

Always made out to be the bad guy. I was never in love. I must have been lying all these years. I must not have known myself at all. " love doesn't just disappear". But love didnt just disappear, it was systematically destroyed. Inch by inch. I did not choose to not forget. It just permeated every inch of my being until it was my soul. And my soul can only take so much before it breaks. It can only take so much before it needs to say goodbye. So that i can breathe free once again. So it can learn to be whole again. So it wont be shattered anymore. Love was never something that could just survive on its own. It needed to be cared for and helped along the way. And there were times, there were sometimes where i thought i would make it. There were sometimes where i would have given my life,if only i could feel it again. I did not take your life. I did not take your life. I did not take your life. I just failed.

It seems i can only do well for so long. It seems that something always takes control. Try to be healthy, try to be happy. Eat once, twice, maybe three times a day. Then feel sick. Feel sick with the way i look, feel sick with the way i feel, feel sick that i feel the need to eat. Feel sick with myself because i feel the need to stop that. Death is not an option. Control is.

2:51 a.m. - 2008-01-11

What is sexy about AD.

AD has this smile that slowly comes onto his face but once its there, it's like its meant to be there all the time.

AD has this way of leaning back and not doing anything but he makes it seem so cool and effortless that it just makes me want to melt into him, if i could.

AD sometimes gets bossy with me and it turns me on to the ninth degree because it's like the best of both worlds.

AD sometimes lets his hair grow out and starts to look all scruffy and its easy to imagine how that would feel on my sensitive skin.

AD has these sexy eyes, that draw me in and get me thinking about how it would affect me to see them in person.

And he has this hot body that makes me want to touch and lick every single inch, especially his cock. Oh yes, his cock is just fantastic. Perfect size, perfect shape and just looks like it would fit so damn perfect.

1:31 a.m. - 2008-01-09

I wasn't looking for anything. I didn't feel like i was missing anything. But if i really wanted to be true to myself. I would tell you i have fallen. But i won't.

So for now, i tell you that i like you. And that i care about you and that you make me smile all the time.

...

3:21 p.m. - 2007-12-19

I'm scared. I would never tell anyone but i think i'm losing control. I can't stand the thought of eating anymore, not even when my stomach is crying out for it. I've lost weight and i know i shouldn't lose more but i can't seem to get myself to eat more. I don't want this sickness, i dont want this disease. I find myself breaking into tears for no reason. I just want to be strong. I want to make it through. I want to be better. It's a pull between mind, heart, and body. I don't know which one is going to win out.

I want to rid myself of my obessions. But i'm scared of who i would be without them.

I bring myself down.

3:47 p.m. - 2007-12-17

Sometimes i just get sad. Sometimes i wish i was so much more. And sometimes i realize that i won't ever be enough. I just want that one person who will hold my pain in their hands and throw it away with me.

hold me...

5:09 p.m. - 2007-12-16

You are honey-dipped

Sometimes i sit, with my coffee in hand and gaze out my window. Sometimes i realize how beautiful the world is. And how i am a part of it all. And i feel whole. I feel the beat within me. The breath i take deeply fills my lungs and gently graces my lips as it passes out of my mouth. I feel it in my fingertips, i feel it in my soul. And the moment stays with me and i smile.

I think of you at times and i wonder if you feel me on your skin still. I remember listening to you breathing in.

5:30 p.m. - 2007-12-05

--------------------------------

And when it all comes down to it. He makes me feel like a better me. I don't want to fall so soon.

12:48 a.m. - 2007-12-01

I tried so hard to be in love, that i had forgotten how to just be happy. Never again.

1:02 p.m. - 2007-11-27

It's funny how happiness looks so sad on you.

11:14 p.m. - 2007-11-12

It had been so long. Years in fact.
I should have known i couldn't have control for long.
I should have known that it would draw
me in.
Total loss of sense. Total loss of control.
I lost myself.
And i prayed that it was just this once.
But add 5 more to the list and there it is.
Glaring in my face.
Warming in my heart.
It feels like home.

My******* was an opiate addict.I don't recall when i first started to notice. I think at first i thought it was sudden. I quickly realized it was a gradual thing. I was surrounded by addicts and i couldn't see them clearly. I couldn't see my mom clearly. When i did notice...it was her red eyes, glazed over, staring at you but not at you. It was her words coming out slow, as if she had to think and form the words in her head first. I could see then. I could see her driving her car in that state. I could see her living her life in that state and i didn't even say anything. I said nothing. She got clean. All on her own. No help from anyone. Yesterday she calls...and it's the tone of voice that takes me back. The slowness. And the fear hit. That what if? What if it happens again?

And i am swept up into memories of a life i led.

2:26 p.m. - 2007-11-08

Deep
Fembot
I know what i've been hungry for
I know that i'm just killing myself
And everything under my skin
Deep down, deep down.

I'm sick. Worried and weak.
I am. I'm sick.
It makes me so happy, inside.
Like someone is touching me
Deep down, deep down.

Don't try and hold my hand.
Don't try and look at me.
I've got my clever disguise
and i'm fooling you all.

Lock the door, turn on the water
and rinse off everything i want to be
but i'm not.
Put it right into the drains.
Deep down, deep down

Come close.
I see there's a person there.
Look close.
I'm only a person
and what other animals hurt themselves like we do.

Dont try and hold my hand
Dont try and look at me
I've got my clever disguise
And i'm fooling you all.

And it seems like you just don't care. So easy to discard. Too broken for your liking.

1:49 p.m. - 2007-11-05

"yes, cuz you keep saying that you love me
but it's like you just love the way i make you feel
yes and it ain't gonna be pretty when i factor myself back into the deal"

1:04 p.m. - 2007-11-02

Perfect in a fucked up way

I'm a mess but he loves me.

I'm a mess but she wants to run away with me.

I'm a mess but he thinks i'm beautiful.

And there are only three people who understand. Out of my many, "friends". Sometimes i wonder if it's even worth it to reach out anymore. Maybe all i need are the three that don't judge me, that take me for who i am. Their beautiful mess. Their broken friend. Because they are all in their own way, just as broken.

Made it up to eating once a day. At least. I'll start off small. Work my way up. One day i'll be...fuck it. I always say, "one day". One day i'll be what they want. One day i'll be good enough for them. Fuck it. Not one day. I'm good for myself. I have an eating disorder, i self injure, i get sad a lot. I'm also a wonderful mother, a caring friend, and a good person at heart. So if they can't take me for what i am now. Then fuck them.

1:14 a.m. - 2007-10-31

I finally broke down. It came out quick, it came out sudden and i lost control. I cut. And it felt so good. The minute the knife slid across, all i felt was a calmness i haven't felt in forever. I needed it.

2:32 p.m. - 2007-10-30

I have no redeemable qualities. There's nothing in me. I am finally, completely broken.

7:19 a.m. - 2007-10-27

Just because we aren't dating anymore doesn't mean i don't have feelings. It's like sometimes you do it on purpose, without thinking. I get it, i broke your heart. It doesn't mean you should treat me this way. I don't deserve it.

1:58 a.m. - 2007-10-27

And i know i am to blame, and i know i am the one who wanted it this way. I know it's for the best but when i asked for honesty, i didn't expect to hear you fucked her twice.

10:03 p.m. - 2007-10-23

I lost my way and along the line, i lost myself.

2:27 a.m. - 2007-10-22

Went to the gay bar last night, i think it's my new haven. No matter how jumbled my mind is, i step out on that dance floor and everything is left behind.

Made out with a couple of chicks. Turns out i'm a graverobber. Hot blonde was 37. My clue to not drink so much.

S. has a date this coming week. Even though i broke up with him, i'm kind of annoyed. How in the hell does he end up going on a date before me? But better it happen this way then to have him upset to see me go on one.

1:50 p.m. - 2007-10-21

And even though i don't know you. I still miss you.

2:07 p.m. - 2007-10-20

There was no reason for me to expect anything would come of it, there was no reason to believe. But i never really need one. It's a fly by the seat of your pants feeling that i just do not feel comfortable in giving up, for the idea of not being hurt by my hopefulness. I give in, i indulge, i feel every single sensation that comes from that feeling. Every time it comes along, it's new and it's exciting and i fall for it. My skin tingles, my heart races, my hands become numb, i feel whole. I feel invincible. I feel. And the comedown is so much easier than any drug i have ever snorted, smoked, popped. It is slow, it is gradual and while my heart hurts, it is still okay. There is always the next time to think about. Like an obsession but not so dire. I write it out. I leave it behind. I leave you behind.

12:35 p.m. - 2007-10-18

---------------------------------

He lets me ramble. About my work, about my thoughts, about my insecurities, my percieved flaws, my messes, my life. He makes me smile on a daily basis, constantly telling me how great he thinks i am. And i adore him for it. He makes me feel good about myself and i wish he was close to me.

1:26 a.m. - 2007-10-18

"What would you do if you weren't afraid?"

I have decided, this is the question i will ask...daily.

11:49 p.m. - 2007-10-17

And he asks, "Why do you do this to yourself, why do you give yourself away?"

And she says, " Because strangers can make you feel beautiful like you wish you were. Without touching anything that is beneath the surface. It's safe."

1:39 a.m. - 2007-10-16

I'm going to live my life, the way i want to. For the first time in my life, it is all up to me. It feels strange. And i am terrified.

11:03 p.m. - 2007-10-15

He will call you baby
But will he listen when you cry?
He will call you sweetheart
But always seem apart.
He will tear all your fences down,
Trample all into the ground.
He will call you baby.

And i will lose my train of thought. And i will give it all away. Just to be with you.

9:23 p.m. - 2007-10-13

"Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades"

Keep the noise low.
She doesn't wanna blow it.
Shaking head to toe
while your left hand does "the show me around."
Quickens your heartbeat.
It beats me straight into the ground.

You don't recover from a night like this.
A victim, still lying in bed, completely motionless.
A hand moves in the dark to a zipper.
Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets
barely whisper, "This is so messed up."

Upon arrival the guests had all stared.
Dripping wet and clearly depressed,
he'd headed straight for the stairs.
No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch,
unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships.

(Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.)

He keeps his hands low.
He doesn't wanna blow it.
He's wet from head to toe and
his eyes give her the up and the down.
His stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up.
But the body on the bed beckons forward
and he starts growing up.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

She hits the lights.
This doesn't seem quite fair.
Despite everything he learned from his friends,
he doesn't feel so prepared.
She's breathing quiet and smooth.
He's gasping for air.
"This is the first and last time," he says.
She fakes a smile and presses her hips into his.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He's holding back from telling her
exactly what it really feels like.

He is the lamb, she is the slaughter.
She's moving way too fast and all he wanted was to hold her.
Nothing that he tells her is really having an effect.
He whispers that he loves her,
but she's probably only looking for se-...

(Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.)

So much more than he could ever give.
A life free of lies and a meaningful relationship.
He keeps his hands pinned down at his sides.
He waits for it to end
and for the aching in his guts to subside.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.

The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

3:42 a.m. - 2007-10-12

I just want to know where i stand.

2:58 a.m. - 2007-10-12

Spent implications and used up all our lines

take it slow, take it easy on me. Shed some light. shed some light on me please.

I just want someone to hold my hand, kiss my cheeks, and tell me..."everything good will come in time."

Why can i never be that person for myself? It would make things much simpler.

1:29 a.m. - 2007-10-11

------------------------------

And everyone always fades into the background. But i won't let myself be like that. I won't let myself not be heard, if i have to scream and fight and work my way in. If you don't like me, if you don't want me then be on your way out. I'm not going to play games when i've been playing them all my life. It's time to be an adult. It's time to be a woman. I'm doing what i do for myself, i'm feeling what i want to feel for myself. Games are for children.

4:20 p.m. - 2007-10-09

I'm sick of people who don't say what they want to and do as they please. All they do is cause confusion. Fuckers.

2:30 a.m. - 2007-10-09

No one ever told me that being the asshole would hurt this much. I just want us to be past this part.

12:47 a.m. - 2007-10-08

5 years and it's over. I have broken his heart and it doesn't feel good. I never wanted to be...here. I wish i could take that pain away. I hope i never become something that just happened to him.

11:03 a.m. - 2007-10-07

Life can bring us through many changes. It's alright. Just don't give up. Know that's it going to be alright. People come and they go, that's just the way that it goes

Love is never equal. Love is never fully complete. There's always the person who invests more, gives more, loses more. I think i hate love.

10:13 p.m. - 2007-10-03

------------------------------

And always will i be the bad guy. The awful person. No regard for others. Selfish. I guess it can't end good.

9:21 p.m. - 2007-10-03

FUCK. I am such an idiot. Why do i not think? This is so messed up. It can't come soon enough.

12:04 a.m. - 2007-10-03

When i look up from my pillow, i dream you are there with me. Although you are far away, I know you'll always be near to me. I go to sleep. And imagine that you're there with me.

And all she wants is to be held.

1:05 p.m. - 2007-09-30

Where's my silver lining?

I've been waiting. I've been waiting for this moment all my life. But it's not quite right

It's impossible, that anything would turn out the way i wish. I've been waiting to learn what this is all about. I've been wondering when i'll get it right. When i'll nail it down and leave the rest all behind. My life is a series of complicated events, complicated people, complicated truths and even more complicated lies. I look in the mirror and can't say who's staring back. They all have it so simple, why can't i?

Beg for a moment of clarity, haven't had one in ages. My brain is not focused, and my heart tells me all sorts of pretty things that will never be.

And maybe i just need to forget it all. Leave it behind. Pick up the pieces. Reinvent. Move far away and make it brand new.

And i never felt so wicked as when i willed our love to die.

12:15 p.m. - 2007-09-30

----------------------------------

I love you muffy, forever

And sometimes it hits me right to the very core. You were here, you were my love and you were the death of something i wanted to be. When you died, i died. You'll always have that part of me. And all i want is for that one day to be taken back. All i want is for your hands to be running through my hair, your voice whispering in my ears, how you'll always love your dollia. I just want to hold you and never let you go. I'm so fucking sorry i wasnt there.

11:08 p.m. - 2007-09-27

And if only it wasn't as desirable as it once was. The need is still there but the knives are hidden from sight, hidden from mind. She turns the corner onto an empty street and feels...free.

2:26 a.m. - 2007-09-25

You were telling me the story, of how i used the ouija board and my guardians told me that we were together before we knew each other. You said you knew it all along. I felt it too.

I remember calling you while i was cutting, crying into your ear and you always telling me, "I love you and i bleed when you bleed."

Ours scars have faded but i feel for you, like you feel for me. And we are entwined.

10:37 p.m. - 2007-09-24

Dreams that never end

In my dream, it was all brand-new. It was beautiful and lovely and full of smiles and laughter. And i never felt bad.

....and then i woke up.

12:44 a.m. - 2007-09-24

When they told my mom i'd be a heartbreaker, they were on the right track. But i don't break hearts. I steal them.

11:39 p.m. - 2007-09-19

I think its just around the corner

My love, my dear, when will your head rest itself in my lap? When will your eyes meet mine across the table? When will your hand cover mine with a lovers touch? When will my lips be graced by your ever-caring, ever-loving touch? Years go by and still we continue on, your life yours, my life mine. One day, they may entwine. For now, i am glad to be able to call you my dear and loved friend.

"I am searching for a street of dreams"

1:48 a.m. - 2007-09-10

nobody notices her small crimes

I've secretly gotten away with only having a few nacho chips and a few donuts today. I feel...special.

1:29 a.m. - 2007-09-08

Breathe me

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

2:45 p.m. - 2007-09-07

----------------------------

It's not pretty. It's not poetic. It's not what i wished. In the end i'm just the same, i'm just as confused, i'm just as sad, i'm just as...pointless. I'm still the same girl who reaches out for something out of grasp. I'm still the same girl who knows that where she belongs, is not where she wants to be. It's a hold that has had me trapped since day one. I'm not worthy.

"this isn't love."

12:58 a.m. - 2007-09-04

There are many things that i would like to say to you but i dont know how.

I dont believe that anybody feels the way i do about you now.

Maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me...

11:41 p.m. - 2007-08-29

a new boy, a new week

Everytime he talks to me, my cheeks go a little more pink, my grin gets a little bit wider and my heart races a little bit faster. But i will never make the first move.

They think i'm outrageous. I think i'm fantastic. And he thinks i'm delicious.

6:18 p.m. - 2007-08-29

if you are a woman, if you are a person of colour,
if you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender,
if you are a person of size, if you are person of intelligence,
if you are a person of integrity,
then you are considered a minority in this world.
and it's going to be really hard for us to find messages of self-love and support anywhere....
if you don't have self-esteem, you will hesitate to do anything in your life....
you will hesitate to report a rape.
you will hesitate to defend yourself when you are discriminated against
because of your race, your sexuality, your size, your gender.
you will hesitate to vote; you will hesitate to dream.
for us to have self-esteem is truly an act of revolution,

...and our revolution is long overdue.

margaret cho

2:32 a.m. - 2007-08-29

I wish you were here...

1:17 a.m. - 2007-08-27

Another day gone by

He's getting frustrated with me. Distracted. By what i can't be sure. Soon i will not bother to even ask what is going on. Soon i will not want to hear.

Preparation for work. Get sexy. Shave legs. Shave elsewhere. Do hair. Tweeze eyebrows. Put on make-up. Pretend that they are people i would want to actually meet and get it done.

Hopefully cash flow will start to exist. No struggles to pay bills and eat as well. And if he quits, hopefully no strain. Which is impossible. There will be strain even if there are two incomes. Why think otherwise?

So unsatisfied. A thirst for something that i just can't reach, can't find. Not even sure what it is. But i am always reaching for it.

Miss him while he's gone. Sweet messages are sadly lacking.

12:47 a.m. - 2007-08-09

FUCK. Make a fool of yourself time and time again, it get's you terribly far in this life. Can't you tell. I'm starting to lose it, i'm starting to lose it, starting to forget where the beginning and the end are. Starting to crave that sweet taste, that gentle push, that little sigh, that all-together amazing high. Struggle within. But stop again. Have better things to do with my time. But just a little escape would feel oh so delicious. Leave life behind for a moment in time. Because when you have to fake optimism just to get by, it becomes too much.

I don't know where i am going and it's starting to feel like home.

12:49 a.m. - 2007-08-05

------------------------------

It's like looking into the past can sometimes just be too painful. Like remembering everything you loved, everything you lost, everything you felt, feel, want to feel all rolls itself into a giant ball that explodes on impact. I want to stop living in my dreamworld but sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me happy...and sane.

12:51 a.m. - 2007-08-02

I want to say that i really didn't care about what she did but i can't. It hurt me to my very core. I am a good person, at least i try to be. Yet, time and time again she has tried to put me down and make me feel like i am not worthy of even common decency from another. I have so much on her that she doesn't even realize but i don't go spreading it all around to whoever will listen. Who cares if i talk to my friends about it? It was one of the biggest betrayals i have ever been through, so if i want to talk about it. I will.

I don't understand how someone who says they love God, can treat another human being the way she does. It tests my faith constantly.

12:19 a.m. - 2007-07-16

Think happy. Think optomistic.

It's getting harder as the days go by and the dreams and plans fall through. I wish i could just cry into someone's arms.

10:07 p.m. - 2007-06-29

So, what seperates us from the rest of the animal kingdom? What makes us so different? We're the only species who puts our own kind in cages.

~Harold Perrineau as Ausgustus Hill(Oz)

12:41 a.m. - 2007-06-25

Sad and unfortunate

I think you are awful, mean-spirited people. I think you dont have a real grasp on reality. I think your heads are so big that you cannot see your feet or outside of your own minds. I hate the way you treat people, let alone your own family. I hate that you will sit there and bash everyone you can possibly think of when none of you have your ducks in order. It's sad that generation after generation of you will continue this lifeline of hatred and non-tolerance. And i thank God every day that i have the power to not expose my daughter to your selfish and pig-headed ways. You are absolute scum. Not once in my entire history of living have i EVER seen people who treat people the way you do. Your backstabbing ways will come back to you and when they do, i will not laugh but i will finally feel a sense of relief.

11:31 p.m. - 2007-06-14

Sometimes it just feels good to listen to the music and remember the memories and have a damn good cry. It's perfectly alright to think that sometimes i may just not be good enough. Its not a bad thing to want to have something that just seems to keep hiding from you.And sometimes, just sometimes. I feel perfectly alright being in my own skin.

10:36 p.m. - 2007-06-02

Give me your intensity. Give me your wrath. Carve my name into the walls of your skin.

12:34 a.m. - 2007-06-01

So i thought to myself just the other day, how good it was that i didnt have a gun. If i had i might of just blown myself away right then.

7:57 a.m. - 2007-05-14

Cant will your cunt wet

Words that come alive like a butterfly from a cocoon. Forgive me if this does not make sense to you. Its all i need to be clean in my mind.Tear the borders down and i love to see what i can find in the raw honesty of a person in pain. You're only honest when you're sad and the rest of your life is regret with the words left unsaid. I know its hard but i promise. I promise to hold your hand and dry your tears with my kisses and run my hands through your hair and let you lie your head in my lap.

If only you will tell me...the words left unspoken in your thoughts and your actions.

12:05 a.m. - 2007-04-07

the lines of your face that draw me in, second glances, warm lips, the scent of you. i need something to feel real. sharp intake of breath, too close for comfort, close enough for...for what? everything remains shrouded in mystery and i cant escape the thought that maybe it is all a dream, or maybe i just want you to be my new reality.

1:52 a.m. - 2007-02-15

You hate me because i live better than you. You hate me because i smile so pretty and i dont have a secret bitterness to hide. You hate me because I am liked for being myself. You hate me because i am taken care of. You hate me because i stand against you. You hate me because I am better than you could ever wish to be. You hate me because you hate yourself.

So you can call me all the names in the book. Tell everyone whatever you want to. It will not phase be anymore because while i have made mistakes and i am not perfect, I am a good person and i have wonderful character. I can't say the same for you. So live your sad bitter existence. I will no longer be trapped in the circle of hatred, deceit, depression and disgust with one's self. It must hurt to look in the mirror.

1:08 a.m. - 2007-01-25

I think. I think all the time of...giving into raw animalistic desire. I think of you.

12:03 a.m. - 2007-01-17

Throw your cowardness in a box. I dont want to be infected. I get sick of people's emotions. They make me want to vomit. You can cry your emotions out somewhere else because this house says, "the strong need only apply".

9:08 p.m. - 2006-12-27

Only pretty boys can hold my heart. Only intelligient boys can keep it. Walk and talk, always in circles. Play the game, light their fire, stir their emotions. It is not just a game. I want to have them all. Kiss me. Kiss me now. Kiss me hard. I'll scream for you all over. Shhh...it will be our little secret. Do you promise you will keep it?

2:13 a.m. - 2006-12-27

The devil you know

Sell me your soul
I’ll give you a kiss
You didn’t know
The devil could look like this
All pretty in make-up
All dressed up in clothes
I’ll make love to you
As I calmly rape your soul.
You want something special
I’ll give you something mean
You want something special
I’ll make it so obscene.
You didn’t know
The devil has a pretty face.
You didn’t know
The devil took my place.

11:58 p.m. - 2006-12-13

Your intentions are untrue.Your lies can be kept to yourself. I will not be fooled again.

1:12 a.m. - 2006-12-12

erotica....erotica...erotica....erotica

i cant get it off my mind. I want the passion. I want the tease. I want it all. A sneak around. A peep around. Let's make it something special. Candle wax or Paddle
Soft Caresses or Tiny Pinches.
I'll be your top, you'll be my bottom.
Make me love you.

11:56 p.m. - 2006-11-27

Lets come clean. Let it all out. Tell each other that we can't do it, that we can't make it. That maybe it was over before it even started. I just want to cry to the heavens. Lift me up, pour me out. It will never be the same as it was before. Sit, sit, waiting, watching, crying, feeling. I want to bleed again. I want to breathe again. I want to feel more than this. I'm in search for the thing that makes me feel like i did.

Nevermind. Pretending is just as good.

5:46 p.m. - 2006-11-15

You are not real. It was like a touch of what could be a glorious life. I saw myself. More and more i want to scream, break down and say enough. Its like a dream that doesnt end. It's time to wake up.

It doesnt get better than this.

5:06 p.m. - 2006-11-15

The prettiest girls have the saddest heart. I want to be the prettiest of all. Break me.

Flyleaf Lyrics - Broken Wings Lyrics

Thank you for being such a friend to me
Oh I pray a friend for life,
And have I ever told you how much you mean to me?
Oh you're everything to me
Thinking all the time how to tell you what I feel,
Contemplating phrases....I'm gazing at eternity,
I am floating in serenity...

And I am so lost for words
And I am so overwhelmed

Please don't leave just yet
Can you stay a moment please
We can dance together
We can dance forever

Under your stars tonight
We'll live and breathe this dream

So close your eyes, but don't dream too deep
And please pass me some memories
And when I fall you're underneath
1000 broken hearts, carried by 1000 broken wings

12:45 p.m. - 2006-11-13

I will drink myself to sleep

I shouldnt have to try to be the person you love. I shouldnt have to try not to get into fights with you. I shouldnt be the only one apologizing. Everytime i think everything is going to be okay...you make me feel like nothing.

12:57 a.m. - 2006-11-07

I can have my cake and eat it too

She1 is cute and makes me giggle like i was 15 again.
She2 is sweet and can tease me with words so erotic that i have to bite my tongue.

I want everything. My senses are on fire. My heart skips a beat. My body is electrified and i want to be. It's the adventure, it's the risk, it's the pure erotic energy of girl love.

---------------------------------------

He is back...i want to be close to him. I want to feel him against me. I want to breathe in his scent. I want to be his friend.

---------------------------------------

He loves me without abandon and i give that love back. Let's touch and kiss and make love like we were young again. Forget the world and feel something new.

1:50 a.m. - 2006-11-01

I feel like my entire life has just been a waiting game. the clock always chiming in my ear...tick.tock.tick.tock But what am i waiting for? I am lost. This seems to be a reacurring theme for me. One for which i have no answer or conclusion. One that has no ends...just beginnings. I'm not myself. I'm not sad...i miss my depression. I miss being able to just write and write and spill my guts out and cry. I dont anymore. I smile a lot. This happiness is new to me and while it is welcome in a sense...in another sense i wish it would give me a break so that i could just drink and write and cry and not need a damn excuse besides...I'M SAD. I need companionship. I need friends who dont have drama. I need to win the lottery. Sometimes i have these dreams and i just want to stay in them forever because they are so carefree. I want to be carefree. I want to jump on a plane and go somewhere warm. I want to breathe in icy cold air and feel my fingertips start to go numb. I want to be me and have people enjoy it. I want to have friends that will come down to see me even if its just for a coffee. I want to go out and play pool. I want to stay in and cuddle with my man. I want everything.

10:54 p.m. - 2006-09-27

I was fucking high

Its an amazing thing to be able to smile when you sing. To make new friends, love old ones, and to forgive the ones that you cannot see.

12:11 a.m. - 2006-08-16

Its the mistakes that make me cry in the middle of the night. Its the mistakes that make me want to leave. Its the mistakes that make my heart heavy. Its the love that brings me back for more.

11:57 p.m. - 2006-08-02

I need to learn to forget the people who didnt care enough to stay. I need to stop wanting to know how they are doing, if they are happy, if they think of me. Its hard letting go. I've never been good at it. I miss every person i have ever let go.

4:30 p.m. - 2006-08-02

I can't help it. It makes me sad that we cannot at least be friends. It makes me sad to know that in such a short amount of time i connected and then was rejected. I am pitiful and all i want to do is drown away my sorrows in a few rum and cokes.

3:42 a.m. - 2006-07-17

he says i make him miserable. that i dont give him space when he needs it and support when he wants it. i guess i dont. i thought i could but maybe its just too damn much. maybe its been too damn long since we've been able to connect to start over. maybe we just arent meant for each other. it sure seems like the odds are stacked against us at all times. maybe...maybe i'm just not any good.

10:07 p.m. - 2006-07-04

I'm making new friends, living a new life it seems. I still see S. and we are doing amazing...not everything is good though. There is still the issue with him and my mother...i want so badly for it to at least be partly healed but i dont know how it can be or where it needs to start. Its a great source of stress and for the most part i push it out of my head but i cant hide it forever. I'm lost.

6:03 p.m. - 2006-06-26

My bed feels so empty now...i want to be strong. i want to feel that this is the right thing to do. i want to pretend and i do.

4:37 p.m. - 2006-06-25

Could love be any more complicated than this?

6:28 p.m. - 2006-06-20

I think she is a sneak. I think she can smile in my face and say she gets it while all the while along wanting him. She has a man but she obviously thinks its not enough. She wants everything. She will be my worst enemy.

12:16 a.m. - 2006-06-19

We talked...we yelled and we called each other names then...we said i love you. We arent together but its not really like we are apart. I'm getting a place with H, he's getting a place with whoever. Valentine will stay with me. We still are going to fuck.Does that make me his fuck buddy? There wont be dating of other people but no limitations on what we do. I am excited to learn who i am on my own but i'm scared that we wont end up back together. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I'm already making new friends and i'm going job hunting as well...never wanted to have to leave my baby with someone else but in a sense i have turned into a single mom. I am strong enough...i know i can make it on my own. Wish it didnt have to come down to this to make us realize where we went wrong

12:31 p.m. - 2006-06-18

i hate him...i hate myself. he says he doesnt want to see his daughter for a while and i'm just supposed to not care. what the fuck did i get myself into.and no one knows the truth about him because i know how to lie.

11:46 p.m. - 2006-06-16

so its over...i've lost everything. is what we had really this easy to give up? did we even have anything to begin with...

8:19 p.m. - 2006-06-16

Its all the same stupidity over and over. Its the same damn song and dance with a new title. Theres no difference. There doesnt even seem to be a you and me.

9:10 p.m. - 2006-06-16

i want you to reach out to me. i want to get stirred up. i want to feel needed and liked.i want to put everything into affect.you probably dont even realize that this is meant for you.

4:46 p.m. - 2006-06-14

i feel like my life is always headed on a downwards spiral. it gets good for a while...sometimes even great and then...shit happens. My mother is angry at me because S's cousin is charging her but none of this is my fault. So why am i always the one who has people mad at them?

S. and I are doing better but at the same time i have to wonder if it will ever be just good. no getting better, no okay...but good. i dont feel like this is a mistake but i dont feel like it is amounting to anything more than its ever been. I have a lot of unresolved resentments towards him and i dont know how to fix them, i dont know who to talk to...i'm just fucking lonely.

5:16 p.m. - 2006-06-12

Don't think because I understand, that I care. Don't think because I'm talking, that we're friends.

6:57 p.m. - 2006-06-08

This is what happens when things are left unresolved. When you learn that you dont really know each other and you are left with all the pieces at your feet. When i was falling apart and dying to get noticed and it just never happened. When you were falling apart and i just didnt care. When we exploded into oblivion. I love you too much to give you up...I wont give up on this. I wont give up on us no matter how tempting it can be.

11:44 p.m. - 2006-05-13

It feels like a time to start anew...to grow up and be responsible. I am not scared of it. I feel like it is such a natural route. My goal is to better myself...for my daughter, for S. , for my family, for myself...for my future. I can't wait to see where all this will lead me, i have a feeling that it will lead to somewhere great. Somewhere i can be happy.

6:24 p.m. - 2006-05-09

I can't say i dont love this feeling of being a mom. It amazes me how strongly i feel for this child and what i would be willing to do for her. I think it is the greatest feeling in the world and yet it is tainted as many things in my life seem to be. I am scared...more than scared...that i will be judged by S's family. His sister just had her baby as well and i feel like i will end up being compared to her. I dont want to be compared to someone like that...i dont want to be compared to someone who is so absolutely two-faced especially when it comes to the way i take care of my child. I know i will be a good mom...i have a lot of faith in that but i worry that people will find fault somewhere. I am fragile. I dont need this.

10:09 p.m. - 2006-05-06

51 hours of labour with 3 hours of pushing,forceps and tons of stitches later my beautiful child was born. Amidst the drama and fighting and hospital stays Valentine has been my lifeboat. I get lost in her little face and can for that moment in time forget that my life is falling apart, that my family is broken and that i can't move one step without wanting to cry in pain.When she is in my arms i know that i did something right and that there is a bond here that can't be broken. The feeling is indescribable.

7:49 p.m. - 2006-05-02

He says he will come to resent me because i have taken her away. I tried to explain more my feelings and my need to make us a happy family...not getting it. I told him that i think i hate him because of the situation he has put me in. I want to hate God for letting us get there in the first place. I want to resent her but when it all comes down to it, it is his wrong not hers and i cant hate someone who is so innocent. It hurts to lose someone who could have made such an impact but it hurts more to not lose someone and end up hating them. I am worried i will never be able to look at him the way i did before. I am worried that i will forever be unable to look him in the eyes for fear of seeing someone i do not know.I fear that i will forever cry when he says he loves me because i dont think he loves me enough. How does someone not realize what they are doing when so many others can? I dont know what he doesnt get from me, i dont know because he doesnt tell me and i dont ask. Communication is key but neither of us seems capable of it. Am i just in denial thinking that maybe we will come out of this alive?

1:46 a.m. - 2006-04-20

How do you come back from a broken heart to be with the same man that broke your heart to begin in the first place? How do you come back when he doesnt realize that what he was doing was wrong. Emotional affair-1) greater emotional intimacy than in the marital relationship, 2) secrecy and deception from the spouse, and 3) sexual chemistry. Now really how can you tell me thats not what it was. Its unfair and its cruel and i have never been more broken by you than i am now. I'm not wrong, i'm not misunderstanding, i'm not just being "jealous". Sometimes i wonder if i know you better than you know yourself. Sometimes i wonder is our so called "love" enough to make this relationship go on. I feel so absolutely defeated by your actions.

12:56 a.m. - 2006-04-18

I'm sick of being made out to be the village idiot by you...

11:08 p.m. - 2006-04-16

I have met this wonderful girl and we went and had coffee together which was awesome. She is such an honest and open individual, there is nothing i find shifty or wrong. We are already in the process of meeting up again for another "date". I think its what i needed... a friend that wasnt S's friend first. Someone who can have a completely unbiased opinion when i need a sounding board. I dont have friends of my own really and meeting new people i am usually with S so of course it becomes our friend and not my friend. It's weird meeting someone off of nexopia but at the same time i'm glad i took the chance and did it. I want friends that are mine, friends that know me better than they know S. I want to be selfish in this because sometimes i feel...too dependent on S. Its hard being the one who doesnt make any money. Sometimes i'm tempted to go and work just so that i can have some money but even when i was working thats not the way it went. All my money went to S anyways. *sighs* I dont know. Sometimes i wonder what its like to be the one who has the money and the say of where it goes and when. I find myself wishing a lot that i didnt have to ask for money to go and get a magazine from the store and i dont even bother asking anymore. I ask my mom a lot but that just makes me dependent on my mom for my luxuries. I dont know if i will ever have money to call my own and use at my own discretion, that is a terrifying thought.

12:54 p.m. - 2006-04-15

I want to marry him. Yes, i definitely want to marry him. I give up on being scared, i give up on wanting everything perfect, no one has perfect.

7:49 a.m. - 2006-04-07

I'm overwhelmed and under appreciated. I make lunches, dinners, clean the house, prepare for the baby and all this with no support. Even my closest friend has ditched me twice when she has promised to come help. I can't do it alone and i want to break down...and i do.

I sometimes wish i could swim through this existence as if i were a fish.

3:03 a.m. - 2006-03-29

I am worried that after the baby is born that i will resort back to my old ways. I've gained all this weight and part of me is happy because i know i look healthy. But, there's the other part that says...((You are fat now and you need to lose that weight quickly)) What if i can't lose the weight? What if it becomes an obsession again? I already can't stop obsessing, its a habit, its an addiction. My addiction is to be obsessed.

7:36 p.m. - 2006-03-20

I'm just not happy.

2:05 p.m. - 2005-12-10

Not for anyone

You act like you know everything...like life is no fucking mystery and you hold the answer to any question. Its fucking bullshit, its egotistical fucking lies. I cant stand it...go ahead and put me down, you do it all the fucking time and then you sit there and complain when i call you a fucking asshole. Well stop acting like one. You have no right. Absolutely no right to treat me like i'm a fucking idiot and make me feel like shit because i dont know as much about things as you do. I'm sick of it and you wonder why i act like i dont like you.

1:15 p.m. - 2005-12-10

I miss so many people and i wish i hadnt dont so many messed up things to lose them. I especially miss M. Now there was a friend. I hate thinking about how things could have been if we could have just stayed friends.

10:55 p.m. - 2005-12-08

just tell me that you are sorry.
6:11 p.m. - 2005-12-08

I do love him

I dont think anyone realizes how hard being pregnant actually is. Its like i have no control over my emotions whatsoever and i am absolutely short-tempered with everyone. I take everything out on S. and i honestly dont mean to. I know how hard he is working and he takes such good care of me but its like i dont even notice..but i do. I feel so shitty about it but i dont know what to do.

10:56 p.m. - 2005-12-07

Beautiful girls

I will be having a beautiful baby girl! I just knew it would be a girl...well i didnt know but i sure as hell prayed it would be. She will be born around April 18th and her name will be Valentine. I'm so excited, i dont think there is a nervous bone in my body about having a baby. The actual giving birth though, man, that is going to be rough. I have no tolerance for pain. At least all the pain will be worth it though, for once.

2:27 a.m. - 2005-12-02

Please save me

I have lost faith in human kindness. I have lost faith in love. I have lost faith in not being taken down and spit on. I have lost faith in believing that everything will turn out alright. I have lost my faith that God actually gives a shit about me.

5:14 p.m. - 2005-11-27

Treason

I have a window in my mind
I can turn to look right through you
Won't cost you anything but time
To see me feel like you do
Your cold and frozen mind
Locked in a winter's season
You only live your life one time
Now you must find a reason

I'm standing in your shoes
I feel your conscience cut right through me
Sensation oh so cruel
You keep your pain so close and cozy

I see a complicated maze
Debris of dead compassion
A love came like a hurricane
Then left its devastation

While you are breaking down
You're building up your best defenses
And when you finally drown
You'll lose your lover and your senses

I'll be the padding in your cell
An iceburg floating in your hell
You can lean on me
Believe in someone or in something
The sun is shining bright
The sky is blue and waiting for you
Stay inside your darkened room
And all your troubles will consume you...

Depression is a sin
Your temple is a prison
Tomorrow breaks you down again
Your soul committing treason
-Velvet Chain

8:30 p.m. - 2005-11-26

Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

rant and rave...rant and rave...hmm. I wish. I wish i could still do it the way i used to but it seems that nothing will get me back to that point. I sit and frown because once words used to run through me like a beautiful waterfall on a summers day and now, well now its...bland.

I am now going to maybe just maybe surprise somebody with the announcement that i am newly pregnant. A little grin to myself. I'm happy but at the same time...I worry that i am just crazy. That somehow i have convinced myself that i am pregnant so thats how it showed up on the pregnancy test. I worry that maybe my body is just reacting to my brain and that is the reason for the nausea and the swelling of the breasts and the weight gain. Then i think maybe i am just crazy for thinking that way. I think i should just wait until the ultra-sound on the 24th and then i will be convinced one way or the other.

We moved. Into my moms house. Cheap rent. Ah, life is beautiful. (If i pretend)New job for me, job interview for S tommorow. Bills upon bills. I do not enjoy the stress of it all.I miss friends.

6:45 p.m. - 2005-10-12

I love you

My best friend died, almost 3 years ago. I dream of her, i think of her, i sometimes feel like i can even breathe her. I have a problem though, I feel that it is wrong to be holding these... i dont even know what you would call it...but I feel like its this day of mourning for her on the day she died. I think its bullshit. Everyone is always saying R. died this day, so we are all going to sit around and think hard about her and cry alot. Well why should I? I dont feel the need to just mourn on one day, i mourn everyday of my life. What reason is there on this day to pronounce that you are sad. I'm sad all the fucking time when i allow myself to think of it but you know what i dont feel the need to bring it up anymore, why cant anyone let her rest in peace....even me?

9:43 a.m. - 2005-08-23

Fuck it all

It seems like i'm always the one willing to compromise and i am just plain sick of it. S. is going to be going back to school full time and we won't be able to pay rent at the place where we are now. So as another option I suggested fixing up my moms basement and moving in there. He was fine with it at first but now it seems his pride is getting the best of him. He doesnt want to leave our apartment but he doesnt seem to get that we cant afford it while he is in school. I just think that we should go to my moms save up a damage deposit and first months rent and move into a cheaper one bedroom place, but i doubt that will happen, we will just continue to struggle as usual and i will have no say in the living situation.

12:05 p.m. - 2005-08-09

I tell myself every day

So many changes in so little time. I had found a place that does adult web chat through a friend of mine, it sounded like an awesome way to make money but alas no luck. I waited almost one month, went in and made a movie and they cut off the web chat part of the business after that. They didnt let me know that they were for sure cutting it off until almost another month after that. Then Sterling got laid off from a job he's been at for a year, so i got a serving job and i also work at an internet cafe.

I think this might have been the best thing that could have happened for us. Sterling will be attending college now and we will be moving to a place where rent is a bit cheaper. I am terrified that everything will go wrong though. I try to be optimistic all the time but sometimes it is just so draining because all i want to do is sit and have a nice cry.

7:37 p.m. - 2005-08-03

Life is a runway

So I dont live in the basement suite anymore, S. and I are now living in our own apartment.Its pretty nice and its filling out nicely.I went through a whole shitload of other jobs and now i'm in between jobs. The last one i did was making videos and now i'm looking to do web chat. I want to start my own business but the problem is finding an investor. Its not like i know tons of rich people.

Life is relatively good we're still broke though...that will probably last for a while. I'm going to be taking correspondence so that i can finally finish high school and Sterling is going to be going back to school to get a degree in business and marketing.

Anyways i'm not feeling especially inspired to write right now so i guess i'll write later.

12:25 p.m. - 2005-07-09