It had been so long. Years in fact.
I should have known i couldn't have control for long.
I should have known that it would draw
me in.
Total loss of sense. Total loss of control.
I lost myself.
And i prayed that it was just this once.
But add 5 more to the list and there it is.
Glaring in my face.
Warming in my heart.
It feels like home.

My******* was an opiate addict.I don't recall when i first started to notice. I think at first i thought it was sudden. I quickly realized it was a gradual thing. I was surrounded by addicts and i couldn't see them clearly. I couldn't see my mom clearly. When i did notice...it was her red eyes, glazed over, staring at you but not at you. It was her words coming out slow, as if she had to think and form the words in her head first. I could see then. I could see her driving her car in that state. I could see her living her life in that state and i didn't even say anything. I said nothing. She got clean. All on her own. No help from anyone. Yesterday she calls...and it's the tone of voice that takes me back. The slowness. And the fear hit. That what if? What if it happens again?

And i am swept up into memories of a life i led.

2:26 p.m. - 2007-11-08