In the end, no one was there to save her

General state of discontent. Every time i think things cannot get worse, it takes over once again. It envelopes me in it's arms, every breathe an effort. Every step an effort. No careless smiles, no careless laughter. Just this. Just this, discontent. That breaths into me and fills me to the edge.

Always made out to be the bad guy. I was never in love. I must have been lying all these years. I must not have known myself at all. " love doesn't just disappear". But love didnt just disappear, it was systematically destroyed. Inch by inch. I did not choose to not forget. It just permeated every inch of my being until it was my soul. And my soul can only take so much before it breaks. It can only take so much before it needs to say goodbye. So that i can breathe free once again. So it can learn to be whole again. So it wont be shattered anymore. Love was never something that could just survive on its own. It needed to be cared for and helped along the way. And there were times, there were sometimes where i thought i would make it. There were sometimes where i would have given my life,if only i could feel it again. I did not take your life. I did not take your life. I did not take your life. I just failed.

It seems i can only do well for so long. It seems that something always takes control. Try to be healthy, try to be happy. Eat once, twice, maybe three times a day. Then feel sick. Feel sick with the way i look, feel sick with the way i feel, feel sick that i feel the need to eat. Feel sick with myself because i feel the need to stop that. Death is not an option. Control is.

2:51 a.m. - 2008-01-11