And it is nowhere near the same. There is an underlying current of meanness. Seemingly out of nowhere. It infests even the nicest of moments. And i beg to understand but am faced with a stoic face and a hand to swipe away my earnest pleas to just open up for a moment. I want to believe we don't need the itching and aching help of the drugs we dilute ourselves with to indulge in a moment of clarity. Yet, i am starting to realize that perhaps...we always have and things will never change. I am not okay with this. I am not at peace with this. I am not willing to settle for this.

I do not believe that i am simply not as good because i am a female. If there is any idiocy around, i would tend to believe that perhaps someone who feels it alright to speak out this way against someone they supposedly love, might be possessing it. To make a lover feel inferior is a dear crime and one that can become punishable in an assortment of ways. To point towards this...my life, my emotions, my mind and level it down to some pathetic jargon of the typical teenage girl has slowly filled me with disdain and try as i might to set this all aside and to move on..when i am the one who is left in the dark..my thoughts tend to overwhelm my sense of resignation.

I will not allow my self esteem to endure a kick to the ribs for long...not even for someone i love so dearly.