Nights like these where the music fades in and out of the threshold of my heart. I yearn for what there was...and my heart is filled to the brim with sorrow for what isn't. I weep.

And i understood what had been broken. I knew that i held that power. It's not something that i wanted to do. I am not proud of it. I am not happy about it. But the reaction, the cruel and immature stylings that proceeded forth from his actions and his mouth....disgusted and frightened me. This man who had been the symbol of strength and safety had yet again showed that he was capable of something so beneath what i thought he was. It burned but it assured me...i had made the right decision. I deserve to be safe. I deserve to be loved and not taken for granted and while i may be a handful and more than the average person can care for, i am worth more.

So i went to my first counseling session. On my quest to find truth and a level of peace...perhaps a sense of knowledge about why i might deal with things the way i do. It revealed more than i thought it could that quickly...BORDERLINE. Borderline personality disorder. Not yet diagnosed because i now need to see a psychiatrist, not just a counselor...but my goodness does it ever explain a lot. All i want to do now is move forth and move on and get the help i need. I want simplicity in whatever form i can have it.

I want to do right.

And i dream of him at night. I have these nightmares about horrible things. And i wake up screaming out and gasping for air. When will it cease? I just want things to be normal again.

laid bare

The sickly sweet, putrid scent of death envelopes me. I try to hold my breath.
Escape its embrace. But it melts into my skin, my hair. Seeps through my eyes.
Into my mouth and my nose, finding its way to my soul
And it clenches on, its grip so tight. I feel as though i cannot ever feel the same.
I feel as though i am so broken that it may never be fixed. I am the destroyer.
I am the destroyed. The weak. The cold. I had been the victim so long that i let it take over.
And the only way to arise and become a symbol of strength for the first time in my life, i had to destroy the one thing i felt made me worth something.
I am no longer human.
I am no longer alive.
I am a paper list of problems being burned as the mourners wail and scream their anger and sadness around my urn. Put to death.
But when will i finally be alive?

And frankly, i believe it was the most embarassing and worst times in my adult life. Disgraceful and disgusting. I was a shell of who i had the potential to be. This mess that i couldn't even see until looking back. I wish...i wish that i had thrown my arms in the air and maybe cried out for help a bit louder than i did. Instead of letting people think i wasn't drowning. It turns my stomach to think of the blur and all the chaos and the level i had sunk to...

Now finally...i am actively trying to make myself right. And it's incredibly hard and sometimes i make big mistakes. But i am pushing forward and i am letting myself love myself. This coming year, i'll be happy.

And it is nowhere near the same. There is an underlying current of meanness. Seemingly out of nowhere. It infests even the nicest of moments. And i beg to understand but am faced with a stoic face and a hand to swipe away my earnest pleas to just open up for a moment. I want to believe we don't need the itching and aching help of the drugs we dilute ourselves with to indulge in a moment of clarity. Yet, i am starting to realize that perhaps...we always have and things will never change. I am not okay with this. I am not at peace with this. I am not willing to settle for this.

I do not believe that i am simply not as good because i am a female. If there is any idiocy around, i would tend to believe that perhaps someone who feels it alright to speak out this way against someone they supposedly love, might be possessing it. To make a lover feel inferior is a dear crime and one that can become punishable in an assortment of ways. To point towards this...my life, my emotions, my mind and level it down to some pathetic jargon of the typical teenage girl has slowly filled me with disdain and try as i might to set this all aside and to move on..when i am the one who is left in the dark..my thoughts tend to overwhelm my sense of resignation.

I will not allow my self esteem to endure a kick to the ribs for long...not even for someone i love so dearly.

Why am i always throwing my emotions and my heart out there and never getting the same in response? It's like this neverending circle where i am always left to be fighting for what i want but feeling like lesser than. My illusions of perfection are shattered and all i am left with is this sinking feeling in my stomach and this not so nice taste in my mouth. Fuck me.