I want to be model thin

I looked in the mirror today and realized just how fat i really am, so i went and got on the scale and my weight showed up to be 122lbs. What the fuck is wrong with me? All i want to do is lose weight and the opposite keeps on happening.I used to be able to eat anything i wanted to and not gain weight and now i have to watch my weight. I try not to eat much but sometimes in the middle of the night i'll get out of bed and creep down to the kitchen. Like last night i made 2 ham and cheese sandwiches and ate them both.I had almost made it through the day with just eating some bread and butter and then i had to go and be a pig. So i was talking to H. and she told me that if i just have a small snack a day and take exlax that it might work. She lost 10 pounds in a week!! So sometime this week i am going to go and get some exlax and start my journey to being thin.

Anyways yesterday i pasted a conversation in my diary that i had with S. and he got really pissed off about it. I didnt think it would make him mad because no one else has ever cared but i guess i thought wrong. So now i dont know what to do, all i could think of doing was writing him an email, which i did. H. and I were talking about relationships and she asked me if i thought things would work out with S. and I and for the first time i was stumped, i told her that i didnt know and she said she hopes they do. Why does love always end up hurting more than it ends up feeling good?

2:47 p.m. - 2003-01-30