Living in human teenage mediocrity

"Lesbian!" I will never forget the way she said that as i walked past her in the hallway. The way her voice was filled with disgust...as if I, a person she has no connection to at all, deserves to die. She never even bothered to ask if i was a lesbian or not she just assumed. Not that it matters to me if people are lesbians i just could not be fully, so i don't drive straight, i like to weave back and forth, what gives her the right to speak to me that way. its one thing to be prejudiced but its another thing to say something rude about them or to them. I don't think i will ever forget the way i felt just after she said it. It was as if someone had jabbed a knife into my stomach and twisted, then did it all over again just to make sure i felt it. I don't care if you have your issues about certain things but please don't show me your ignorance, its not appropriate and its just plain rude.For the first time in my life i felt as if i was hated, this one girl, who has no significant meaning in my life, has made me feel inferior, and i know that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, but it still hurts, and i'll always remember. I came home and i sat and i wasn't sure whether to cry because there are people in the world like that, or to laugh because they are here. I've heard about people showing there prejudice but this was my first close-up viewing on it and the "victim" i say that loosely, just happened to be me.There's no point in pondering about why people act that way but if it continues i will contact officials, and not because i'm a baby and can't take it but because if she does it to me she could do it to others, and i'm not sure that she won't try and do something to me because of my being bisexual.

On to other things, B. and I are still together, he wanted me to go to a school dance with him last Wednesday but i told him that i wasn't allowed. Thats not the truth i just didn't bother to ask. Its not that i don't love him but i don't feel we make a good couple and since i'm really into numerology and astrology, i figured it out with those two things that we don't in fact make good mates although we could be okay friends. I'm not sure how to break it to him that i want to break up, because he told me that he loves me. I'm not sure if that was him talking or if it was R. pushing but either way i feel bad about wanting to break up with him.I've also been thinking a lot about my past relationships and in all of those i was the protector. All my boyfriends and lovers had something they needed to be protected from and i was the thing to protect them, but with B, theres nothing to protect and it makes me feel useless, which isn't the greatest feeling to have.

V. and I are still going out, we're getting pretty close and shes really easy to talk to. I can tell her things i can't tell R. because lately it seems like all R. is interested in is herself, i mean i know people need to talk about themselves but they also need to listen to others, thats how relationships are, a little give and a little take.

I've been doing a lot of weed lately, every single day for the past two weeks...i'm not sure if i do it because its fun or because i feel like i need it to...escape, escape my mind, escape the world, escape the awareness of the people around me. When i am high i feel as if no one can hurt me and as if i'm a person that is above all, they can't judge me sort of thing. If i could feel that way all the time i'm not sure if it would be a good thing or a bad thing.

There's a loneliness that has been seeping into my heart for the past month or so, i feel it when i am with friends, and when i am alone, its as if a part of me is missing, and i can't find it no matter how hard i try. I can't find it. It captures my thoughts, locks them up tight and it takes away my ability to speak, i am silent but inside i am crying. I don't think its my depression coming back because if it was i would welcome it with warm arms, but this, this thing feels different, it actually hurts.We all know i need to hurt a bit more than i already do. I can't talk to robin about it, i can't talk to B., i can't tell anyone because nobody likes you when you're sad, you have to be smiling, and innocent, don't cry...keep that chin up!

I wish i could be strong, i wish i was loved, but wishes never come true for bad girls like me.

9:56 p.m. - 2001-12-21