The magic is in the makeup

I have such anxieties about my relationship with S. Maybe i'm just paranoid or maybe the feelings i get are something that i should truly consider.In the back of my head i'm always feeling like he is going to leave me...for someone else or just because he's fallen out of love. I even dream about him leaving me. Like last night...in my dream he left me and Heather moved in with him and his mom. I went there to say bye to his mom and he was there but he completely ignored me and when i started to cry...he laughed. What is wrong with me? Why cant i just be happy in the moment and not always be thinking that he is going to leave me. I've been told my people that i need to gain more independence from him, no one has ever told me that before. Everyone always said that i was very independent and now with this relationship my happiness depends on him. My sister even seems to notice, she says that when i'm going to see him i'm always happy and the day when i come back i am happy and then the rest of the time i'm always so...down and bitchy. Thinking of that i realize that it is true. How can one person change the way i feel about everything?

I miss R. so much, she was the only person that understood the way i thought and why i did the things i did. She always had something to say that would cheer me up or help me out. I miss the way she would call and we would sit on the phone saying nothing but not noticing the silences. I miss the way we would go the mall and pick up the ones that no one else would ever consider. I miss the way we used to have best friend books. I miss the way we would hold hands and kiss on the bus to shock people. I miss the way we would pretend we were pregnant lesbians. I miss the way we would fight as loud as we could on the bus about how abortions were wrong or right. I miss the way we would go to the library and take out books on the joy of sex and Kama Sutra. I miss the way she laughed, i miss the way she cried, i miss every single thing about her. I love you R., in life and death forever. I'll never find a friend like you. You were one of a kind.

Make-Up

No Doubt

Can you tell i'm faking it

But i wanna be myself

A counterfeit disposition

Cant be good for my health

So many different faces

Depending on my different phases

My personality changes

I'm a chameleon

Theres more than one dimension

I can fool you and attract attention

Camoflauge my nature

Let me demonstrate

Makeup's all off

Who am I?

The magic's in the makeup

Who am I?

If you bore me then i'm comfortable

If you interest me I'm scared

My attraction paralyses me

No courage to show my

True colors that exist

But I want to be the real thing

But if you catch my eye cant be authentic

The ones i loath are the ones

That know me the best

My makeup's all off

Who am I?

The magic's in the makeup

Who am I?

Makeup's all off

Who am I?

If the magics in the makeup

then who am I?

Magics in the makeup

But I wanna be the real thing

But the magic in the makeup

And I wanna be the real thing

My makeups all off

Who am i?

2:59 p.m. - 2003-01-09