My heart is on the line

I guess I should have said something about it earlier, I just didn’t know how to word it. I’m not sure how it happened, I am on birth control, I guess I should have used condoms though. Because at 16 years of age I got pregnant. Also at 16 years of age I had a miscarriage. At the time it happened I was sure that it was a miscarriage, I just didn’t want to believe it. So, instead of letting people know right away I pushed it away from my mind. Of course, that could not last for long so I started asking people questions about what a miscarriage was, what it looked like, and those kinds of things. I was hoping that they could prove me wrong and that I could go back to never being pregnant and never losing a child. My hope was shattered. This Friday I am going to have to get surgery to make sure there are no parts of the baby still in my uterus. I don’t want to have surgery but if I don’t go ahead with it, I may never be able to have children. That would absolutely devastate me. I try and act like I’m strong, like having a miscarriage hasn’t hurt me but the truth is, I think about it all the time. I could have had a child, I could have had S's child. He’s the only one I want children with. It’s gone now, and my heart aches. If it gets too quiet I start to cry because my thoughts go back towards the miscarriage. I cant do anything right, I cant even keep a child long enough for it to be born.

Onwards to something different. My ex-girlfriend A., is scheduled to have an abortion next week. She’s 4 months along at the moment and although I am pro-choice, I think it’s a bad idea for her to get it done. Maybe, it’s the fact that she can keep a child and I cant that makes me want to tell her that she’s lucky she’s pregnant. On the other hand she is only 14 years old, she lives in a group home, and she’s not mature enough to handle a child. I’m not only worried about the after-affects of her having an abortion but how fragile she is now. At church today I noticed that she had cuts on her arms, I brought her arm up so it was facing us and asked her when she did them. She said a few weeks earlier. The fact that she reminds me of myself at age 14 just loomed in my mind and I don’t want to leave her side. So many times when people realized that I was a self-injurer, their reactions were horrible. They’d run and hide, or yell and glare at me every time they saw me. The worst though was when they would ignore it, ignore my pain. No one took the time to care or ask or listen. No one tried to understand. I know how hard it was for me and I’m not going to make it hard on A.. S. doesn’t like her, not one bit but I don’t think he understands why I care about her the way I do. Maybe, If he did he wouldn’t get so mad when she sits and talks with us at church.

I dreamt about R. last night, she has been in quite a few of my dreams. I wish I could see her one last time. To tell her how I felt about her and how I still feel about her. To let her know that she was the person that I lived for, that her friendship meant everything to me. How she was the first girl I ever truly loved. I wish I could tell her all those things and more….

Chase destruction of your own emotions

And your need for love, makes you easy prey

Safety of the rubber glove seems much too simple

Climbing up and down, waiting for the day

You can't see if i'm not listening

You can't hear with my eyes open

I can hate with my eyes open

I feel better when i'm numb

Chase distraction of your own existance

Keep it clean, clean enough to stab

Lick your own wounds, anxious for the next one

Cry for more pain, heal what you have

You can't see if i'm not listening

You can't hear with my eyes open

I can't hate with my eyes open

I feel better when i'm numb

Just another hit for the one you love

If you cared at all, you'd put me down

Wake up dead man, can't you see i'm starving'

You can't see if i'm not listening

You can't hear with my eyes open

I can't hate with my eyes open

I feel better when i'm numb

I feel better

I feel better when i'm numb

6:57 p.m. - 2002-12-23