My state of mind seems to be a bit out of tune these past few days. All this hurt and anger and sadness is resurfacing and me not being capable of controlling it is not a good thing either. I've tried to fight it and be as happy as possible and thats the way i appear to people. I just cant do it anymore though...i'm not happy...i think somehow my life and my family have failed me and i have also failed myself...in thinking this it brings me to the point of realizing that everything that has ever happened to me...is my fault. I let it happen time and time again and therefore i must be able to take the blame. Theres just no place to hide when you're ripped inside...

I can't stand the pain of knowing...i'd rather be numb. So i'll continue to do drugs and drink...and i will continue to self-destruct because i am not strong enough.

Don't give me attention, give me affection.

1:20 p.m. - 2002-02-14